No one is ever really "Honest".
By omitting, compartmentalizing and pretending, we go about our lives pretending we are "Honest".
Allowing only bits and pieces of "honesty" to show.
We never are really, truly "honest' with ourselves, nor with those we hold close to our hearts.
There's always that tiny bit of "truth" that's held back.
Self-preservation?
My eating DISorder is out of control for everyone around me. Not for me.
I know what I'm doing, don't I?
I am pretending to eat and then I make myself throw up.
I am pretending to eat, but hide the fact that I haven't eaten all day.
I pretend I want to get back into therapy.
I pretend I have it taken care of.
Honest truth?
I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to "recover", I don't want to "fix it".
I also don't want to get sick again.
I feel so in control when I'm empty. I feel relaxed, alive, EMPTY.
I love the feeling.
I am honest with myself.
In the same way others are "honest' with just the things they want you to know, all the time omitting, compartmentalizing and pretending that they are Honest with you, I am honest with myself.
I do not want to take care of this. I want it to stay right here.
Honest, open, real, true.
I am...Honestly nothing more than my DISorder.
