Help me...
I know my anorexia.
I know my starvation.
This constant, incessant throwing up I don't understand. This is new.
I know how to control food so that I don't feel I have to empty my stomach. I'm so disgusted and scared.
I am FED up of cheese and sunflower seeds. I'm scared of anything else.
My brain would like to bite into that hot dog my son is eating...my brain is screaming at the delicious smell of the rice and lentejas I've just cooked. I WANT FRIED CHICKEN, GRILLED TUNA, SHRIMP, LOBSTER, a fucking peanut butter sandwhich!
And the thought, the taste, the feeling of it in my stomach is too much for me to handle.
Oh it's so disgusting. Having to stick your fingers deeper and deeper down your throat to vomit out the two slices of toast I just ate. I've thrown up four times today. I MADE myself throw up; a 1/2 a cup of rice with lentejas, two slices of toast, a spoonful of Nutella and another attempt at toast.
It's scary. It's not making me thinner, oh but the feeling of an empty stomach. How fucking liberating. I feel so fat at food inside me. I am disgusted at having lived in countries where people BEG to eat and I fucking choose to THROW UP MY FOOD.
I just want to starve. I want to smoke, I want nothing inside me, I want my POWER.
eating and knowing you can't wait to turn on the shower to muffle the noise, stick your fingers deeper inside your throat, throw up as much as you can and pray not to die choking on your undigested food. Clean up the toilet, the lid, the sides, the floor, pinesol, glassex, clorox, airfreshener, get the disgusting stench out. Wash your fingers over and over and over, shower to make sure you don't stick and brush, brush, brush your teeth, your tongue, floss, mint gum and the need for a cigarette, the only part missing.
It's easier to starve, but I'm so hungry sometimes. I'm tired of cheese and seeds...nothing else works...how will my therapist understand that "write a list of things you can do so you don't go throw up" doesn't work?
I want...
to be THIN
to be IN CONTROL
to be WHAT I WANT TO READ ON THE SCALE
to be
S A N E.
Anorexia is the handcuff that doesn't allow me to move forward.
Being, looking, acting, seeing T H I N isn't going to fix the dreams, the hate, the nightmares, the self loathing.
please stop, please stop, please stop.
help me please.
I just want to be thin, I want to see my ribs, that's my control...help me please
Monday, August 27, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
I have loved...
In countless lifetimes, in many ways, in soul and spirit and skin.
I have searched for honesty without omission, without asking for anything in return.
I have loved you deeply, in soul and spirit and skin.
I have needed to be loved, despite knowing it's impossibility.
I have felt the soul ripped from my being,
Shards of sharp, searing glass deep inside my existence.
I have felt your presence, your comfort and your strength.
I have sought to find an all encompassing love knowing that my wounds will forever carry that deep, unhealing scar.
Emptiness fills me with hate. And yet I love so many. And can feel nothing but numbness in return. I have loved you more than I wanted, I have been scared by the force of this love and I ache to feel its comfort.
I have searched for honesty without omission, without asking for anything in return.
I have loved you deeply, in soul and spirit and skin.
I have needed to be loved, despite knowing it's impossibility.
I have felt the soul ripped from my being,
Shards of sharp, searing glass deep inside my existence.
I have felt your presence, your comfort and your strength.
I have sought to find an all encompassing love knowing that my wounds will forever carry that deep, unhealing scar.
Emptiness fills me with hate. And yet I love so many. And can feel nothing but numbness in return. I have loved you more than I wanted, I have been scared by the force of this love and I ache to feel its comfort.
Thursday, August 23, 2012
I DO NOT NEED...YOU
I hate to need.
I don't want to need anyone.
The moment "I need you" crosses my lips, I want to self-destruct. I want to go into turbo "FUCKIT"mode.
I want to go back to things that I've done in my past to make me numb.
I don't want to feel NEED.
I don't want to tell anyone that I need them, their strength, their help, their body, THEM.
It makes me feel weak and useless and like a complete and absolute whimpering useless IDIOT.
I HATE NEEDING SOMEONE, SOMETHING, ANYONE.
All I need is to find my strength. ME.
I am...not in need
I don't want to need anyone.
The moment "I need you" crosses my lips, I want to self-destruct. I want to go into turbo "FUCKIT"mode.
I want to go back to things that I've done in my past to make me numb.
I don't want to feel NEED.
I don't want to tell anyone that I need them, their strength, their help, their body, THEM.
It makes me feel weak and useless and like a complete and absolute whimpering useless IDIOT.
I HATE NEEDING SOMEONE, SOMETHING, ANYONE.
All I need is to find my strength. ME.
I am...not in need
Wednesday, August 22, 2012
Strength that kills
How can a strong intelligent powerful women be so weak?.
How is there no stopping this madness? How does it make sense to panic at the feeling of food inside me?What compels me to seek its release?
How disgusting and disturbing a habit. This desperate uncontrolable need to throw it up. To release the fear inside me. Throwing up doesn't make me thinner or pretty or better.
It's exhausting, it's scary, it's disgusting... and it feels so go. The release of all the emmotions attached to the food I just ate.
Panic sets in about 15-20 minutes after I eat anything except sunflower seeds or cheese.
I must get rid of it.
It must get out of me. It makes me ill and I go into a spiral of self Loathing and fear. What sense does it make? My strength is my worst enemy and my biggest fear.
A few weeks ago my man, my master, my rock, my comfort and strength held my hand through a panic attack.
He makes the best pasta I've ever had. I don't like pasta. His is epic. I'm so tired of cheese and sunflower seeds.
I want to eat. Food disgusts me. I wish I would put food in my mouth, chew it, swallow it and not go crazy.
I occupied my mind, I was "ok", I felt calm, I did some things with the boys, I lay on the sofa and turned on the tv...and then I went to the bathroom and threw up every single thing I possibly could. I MADE myself get rid of everything in my stomach.
I have to stick my fingers deeper into my throat to throw up. It gets caught in my throat and I'm afraid to die by choking on my own vomit. It is madness. It is scary. I am ashamed of it.
It is so much easier not to eat. That way I won't vomit. I am scared, scared of losing the one healthy male relationship I have ever had in my life. I have never had anyone stand next to me. I've always said "I don't need anyone". And there he is. He has my back. But for how long? How long before someone loves you too much, too little, not enough to stand by you, to hold your hand during your insanity?
I love brushing my teeth with strong minty toothpaste after I throw up, I have to scrub my fingers to get the stench off my hands. I kneel on the bathroom floor with Clorox wipes and I scrub the toilet, the floor, the walls. Just to make sure there is no evidence. I want a cigarette after and I am left weak and sick but so relieved.
The ritual is always the same: stick my fingers deep down my throat, vomit as much as I can, wash the stench off my hands with soap over and over. It's takes a while to get the stench off. Brush your teeth with the strongest mint toothpaste, clean the toilet, the floors, the walls to avoid any evidence. Take two pieces of mint gum and change your clothes just in case & always the need for a cigarette.
I am...disgusted at myself for being insane.
I am...disgusted at myself for being insane.
I ate the clams and pasta he made. 20 minutes later I went into a tailspin of anxiety and panic. I needed his strength. He sat in the bathroom with me while I panicked and desperatly begged to throw up. How insane. How shameful that someone saw me in this state. A state of true insanity. I was so ashamed. And he patiently, lovingly and sweetly dragged me through it. I felt like I was hallucinating, as if I was outside of my body begging him to let me throw up.
When I finally came out through the other side; the only way to describe what I felt, he didn't judge, criticize or complain. He held me. He patiently and lovingly soothed my madness.
Today, I cooked meat and pasta and spinach for my boys. I ate spinich. I chewed it very slowly, I made sure it was dissolved before I swallowed it.
15 minutes later panic set in. I called him, he wasn't answering, I went for a walk and called my daughter. I told her I was walking because I needed to follow the suggestions my therapist had given me.
I finally spoke with my partner. "you panicked because you ate spinach?" I heard in his voice the ridiculousness of that sentence. I'm so afraid of losing him to this madness. I can control everything. Controlling what I eat makes me feel strong, but it isn't. It's my one weaknesses it's uncontrollable.
It was such an incredible release. And it was shameful. It was disgusting. And the emptiness in my stomach felt so relieving.
But, am I ashamed of making myself throwing up or of my weakness at not having been able to control the desperate need to vomit? And I'm using the words to honestly describe a nasty disgusting weakness I have. I MAKE myself V O M I T.
It is so much easier not to eat. That way I won't vomit. I am scared, scared of losing the one healthy male relationship I have ever had in my life. I have never had anyone stand next to me.
I've always said "I don't need anyone". And there he is. He has my back. But for how long? How long before someone loves you too much, too little, not enough to stand by you, to hold your hand during your insanity?
I love brushing my teeth with strong minty toothpaste after I throw up, I have to scrub my fingers to get the stench off my hand. I kneel on the bathroom floor with Clorox wipes and I scrub the toilet, the floor the walls. Just to make sure there is no evidence. I want a cigarette after and I am left weak and sick but so relieved.
the ritual is always the same: stick my fingers deep down my throat, vomit as much as I can, wash the stench off my fingers with soap over and over. It takes while to get the stench off. Brush teeth with the strongest mint toothpaste, clean the toilet, the floors, the walls to avoid any evidence. Take two pieces of mint gum and change clothes just in case & always the need for a cigarette.
I am... ashamed and disgusted at my insanity.
How is there no stopping this madness? How does it make sense to panic at the feeling of food inside me?What compels me to seek its release?
How disgusting and disturbing a habit. This desperate uncontrolable need to throw it up. To release the fear inside me. Throwing up doesn't make me thinner or pretty or better.
It's exhausting, it's scary, it's disgusting... and it feels so go. The release of all the emmotions attached to the food I just ate.
Panic sets in about 15-20 minutes after I eat anything except sunflower seeds or cheese.
I must get rid of it.
It must get out of me. It makes me ill and I go into a spiral of self Loathing and fear. What sense does it make? My strength is my worst enemy and my biggest fear.
A few weeks ago my man, my master, my rock, my comfort and strength held my hand through a panic attack.
He makes the best pasta I've ever had. I don't like pasta. His is epic. I'm so tired of cheese and sunflower seeds.
I want to eat. Food disgusts me. I wish I would put food in my mouth, chew it, swallow it and not go crazy.
I occupied my mind, I was "ok", I felt calm, I did some things with the boys, I lay on the sofa and turned on the tv...and then I went to the bathroom and threw up every single thing I possibly could. I MADE myself get rid of everything in my stomach.
I have to stick my fingers deeper into my throat to throw up. It gets caught in my throat and I'm afraid to die by choking on my own vomit. It is madness. It is scary. I am ashamed of it.
It is so much easier not to eat. That way I won't vomit. I am scared, scared of losing the one healthy male relationship I have ever had in my life. I have never had anyone stand next to me. I've always said "I don't need anyone". And there he is. He has my back. But for how long? How long before someone loves you too much, too little, not enough to stand by you, to hold your hand during your insanity?
I love brushing my teeth with strong minty toothpaste after I throw up, I have to scrub my fingers to get the stench off my hands. I kneel on the bathroom floor with Clorox wipes and I scrub the toilet, the floor, the walls. Just to make sure there is no evidence. I want a cigarette after and I am left weak and sick but so relieved.
The ritual is always the same: stick my fingers deep down my throat, vomit as much as I can, wash the stench off my hands with soap over and over. It's takes a while to get the stench off. Brush your teeth with the strongest mint toothpaste, clean the toilet, the floors, the walls to avoid any evidence. Take two pieces of mint gum and change your clothes just in case & always the need for a cigarette.
I am...disgusted at myself for being insane.
I am...disgusted at myself for being insane.
I ate the clams and pasta he made. 20 minutes later I went into a tailspin of anxiety and panic. I needed his strength. He sat in the bathroom with me while I panicked and desperatly begged to throw up. How insane. How shameful that someone saw me in this state. A state of true insanity. I was so ashamed. And he patiently, lovingly and sweetly dragged me through it. I felt like I was hallucinating, as if I was outside of my body begging him to let me throw up.
When I finally came out through the other side; the only way to describe what I felt, he didn't judge, criticize or complain. He held me. He patiently and lovingly soothed my madness.
Today, I cooked meat and pasta and spinach for my boys. I ate spinich. I chewed it very slowly, I made sure it was dissolved before I swallowed it.
15 minutes later panic set in. I called him, he wasn't answering, I went for a walk and called my daughter. I told her I was walking because I needed to follow the suggestions my therapist had given me.
I finally spoke with my partner. "you panicked because you ate spinach?" I heard in his voice the ridiculousness of that sentence. I'm so afraid of losing him to this madness. I can control everything. Controlling what I eat makes me feel strong, but it isn't. It's my one weaknesses it's uncontrollable.
It was such an incredible release. And it was shameful. It was disgusting. And the emptiness in my stomach felt so relieving.
But, am I ashamed of making myself throwing up or of my weakness at not having been able to control the desperate need to vomit? And I'm using the words to honestly describe a nasty disgusting weakness I have. I MAKE myself V O M I T.
It is so much easier not to eat. That way I won't vomit. I am scared, scared of losing the one healthy male relationship I have ever had in my life. I have never had anyone stand next to me.
I've always said "I don't need anyone". And there he is. He has my back. But for how long? How long before someone loves you too much, too little, not enough to stand by you, to hold your hand during your insanity?
I love brushing my teeth with strong minty toothpaste after I throw up, I have to scrub my fingers to get the stench off my hand. I kneel on the bathroom floor with Clorox wipes and I scrub the toilet, the floor the walls. Just to make sure there is no evidence. I want a cigarette after and I am left weak and sick but so relieved.
the ritual is always the same: stick my fingers deep down my throat, vomit as much as I can, wash the stench off my fingers with soap over and over. It takes while to get the stench off. Brush teeth with the strongest mint toothpaste, clean the toilet, the floors, the walls to avoid any evidence. Take two pieces of mint gum and change clothes just in case & always the need for a cigarette.
I am... ashamed and disgusted at my insanity.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)