Trash

Disposable, dispensable, disowned, useless, unworthy, disgusting.

Trash in your way.
Disgusting you.

Scrap off the shit under your feet and keep going.

You are useless.

DISposable, DISpensable, DISgusting

I am my DISorder.

"did I say something wrong to make you feel bad?"

My "depression" isn't about you, it isn't about my eating disorder, it isn't about
"drinking too much", it isn't about not wanting to quit smoking.

My "depression" is about me.

It's about having lived with a woman who hated my guts since before I
knew who I was.  
It's about a sibling who tried to rape me.
It's about having loved the wrong person.
It's about having spent my entire life fucking meaningless, useless
bodies Just Because I Could.
It's about having been alone all my life.

It's about missing my daughter so much, that I can't even hear her
voice without wanting to cry.
It's about loving my teenager so much and being so scared that I'm
failing him.
It's about having a pre-teen who is so concerned about other people,
that he will never ever say what's hurting him.

It's about never ever being THE ONE.

It's about having been attacked, it's having faced the barrel of a gun,
it's about being beaten by men who were supposed to take care of me,
it's about having had to arrest a man who I never, ever thought would
ever hurt me.

it's about wanting to belong, it's about wanting to be loved.
It's about not caring what people think of me, not giving a rat's ass
about whether I'm smart enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, but
just KNOWING who I am inside.

It's about knowing that I am a good person, that I don't wish anyone
ill-will, that I truly care about people and I cannot trust that
anyone will ever see that.  EVER.  

It's about not wanting to be labeled with depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disordered, a survivor of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, the adult child of an alcoholic.

It's about all the fucking past that I have kept bottled up inside
until it began to affect the one adult relationship in my life that I
really want to keep.

It's about trying to figure out how I've managed to be able to live my
life not letting these feelings bother me, and now I can't be strong
enough to just let the past go and forget it.

It's about the most difficult four years of my life.

It's about not knowing who I am any more and wanting myself back. 
It's about knowing what I want and not knowing how to get it. 
It's about finally saying, "I can't be what someone else wants me to be."  
It's about finally being able to be me, but not knowing who that is.

It's about wanting to feel...

Empty

I am the good little girl.

I am the one who bottles it in,
who "smiles and waves",
who starves to feel no pain.

I am the good little girl.

Who closes her eyes and pretends this isn't her.
Who closes her eyes and imagines her soul disappearing.

I am the good little girl.

Taught to keep it in, to hide, to pretend.

I am the good little girl.

Don't be Rude Little girl.
Good little girls don't feel.

I am the good little girl.
Don't ever let her go.

Autumn Mist

I remember mornings like this.
Sitting on your balcony with the crisp, clear dawn on the horizon.
The city lights reflecting off the lake.
My legs draped around yours and the glow of our passion still on your skin.

I remember your curls slipping over your face as you nuzzled closer to me to keep me warm.

I remember the cigarette smoke as you exhaled your pleasure.

I remember you.
Your scent, your breath, your profile.
The feel of your skin as my body sank into yours.

I remember mornings like this with you.
So close.
I remember the feeling of your bones.
We shared our bodies, our souls, our existence.
You loved me then.

You promised eternal love.
Always and Forever.

I remember mornings like this with you.

I remember you.
I carry you on my skin.
I have you inside me.
Always and Forever.