"I hate your GUTS"

I said that to someone the other day.

I don't think I've ever used that word before.

I taught my kids that "HATE" is such a horrible word to use.
"I despise (whatever) with a passion."
That's what I used to say.

And I told someone "I hate your GUTS!" Just like that.  And I felt it, and it made me feel better and I won't ask for forgiveness for saying it because I actually felt that.

"I hate your guts!"
Someone brought out those feelings in me.
I can't believe that those feelings were in there and I won't take it back.

I don't wish ill against anyone.

I don't hate my exes, I don't hate my parents, I don't hate my brother.

I don't particularly like my daughter's father, but we are getting along.  He's trying so hard to finally give his daughter some space, respect and peace.  He's finally acknowledging her as an independent adult.
I don't ever remember saying I hated him.  It wasn't worth me being evil all these years.

I feel sorry for the boys' dad.  Even after all the evil he has done, and what he did to the boys, I don't hate him.

My "family", they don't exist for me anymore.  And I may have said "I hate" but I don't think I ever actually meant "hate" as passionately as I meant "I hate your GUTS!"

I don't want to take it back.  It took out the anger and pain and disgust I had inside of me and I won't live in anger, I won't constantly remind myself of the hate but I won't take those words back.  At least not out loud.

But I'm shocked at the intensity of those feelings. How powerfully those words spat out.  I HATE.  And it felt good inside my soul to say that.

I don't live my life constantly thinking of evil things to happen to someone. I can't imagine myself purposefully living to wish someone ill.  That's just not the way I think.

But I have mentioned before that I have this sixth sense that makes me "feel" things.
I've seen "karma", "destiny" "comeuppance" at work.  I've seen it work.  I've felt it on things I have done too.

"I hate your GUTS!".

That's all I can say.  I won't ask for forgiveness for having said it. I will pay for having said it if that's what the great wide open decides should happen.  But it allowed me to let go.  To free myself of this pain and anger.  And I really, really felt it.

I am calm, I am not in the spiral of insanity of those thoughts. I have let go.

And whatever I need to pay for, bring it on.  But taking it back...only when I'm ready and only down inside my soul.

I am...free.

"The things that stand out are often the oddities."- Pierre Salinger

I woke up at my usual time, 3:35, but with an odd feeling.

I have been meditating a lot.  Trying hard to clear my mind of negative thoughts, anger, sadness, impatience; searching for a way to be strong enough to forgive, to feel myself, to stop my mind from the constant, incessant, petulant-child noises that have been pounding at it for so long.

"Seek inner peace": what I have been saying to myself these past few days. It's on my bathroom mirror, at exactly my eye level, I wrote it on my arm, I remind myself every time negative energy comes into my brain.

"Seek inner peace."
I have an odd feeling of calm.
And I say odd because I don't know if I really am calm, more relaxed, at peace, or if it's something else. Something my mind is trying to tell me.  Because I do believe in listening to those feelings, in having that "huh, I wonder what's going on, I can 'feel' something different" sound in my head.

And since I feel calm, it scares me.  I want to hold on to this strength and not let it drop into the nasty, muddy waters of the cess-pool of my depression.
I want to wrap it in gold, tie it with a bow and lock it into my soul.  I don't want to let it go.  I want to keep it safe and not let it escape me again.

How can I trust this feeling if it scares me to lose it?
How do I hold on to it, keep it safe and have it follow me, if I would rather protect it than use it for myself?

It scares me to lose it.  It scares me to have my soul reject this peace, this calm, this positive strength I feel.  It's almost as if it so much easier for me to fight and accept pain and chaos, that I don't know what to do with an odd sense of calm.

"good old catholic guilt"?  Guilt at not feeling I deserve to finally find peace, to have bits and pieces of me come together and I'm so scared of losing it, it's almost like I'd rather not have it.

But that's not true. I so want to have peace.
To be myself again.
But who am I really?  I've been living this "FUCK-IT-ALL" existence, fighting to defend myself, protecting myself against anything and everything, putting up this barrier to all I see, that now, maybe I am scared of the peace.

Maybe it is in the same way that I'm scared of fighting my ED. Because it's the only weapon I've had, the only thing that has kept me strong and I'm facing the issues straight on, I'm butting heads with it.

I want to hold on to it to because I'm scared I won't know who I am without it.
I'm far, far away from what I consider "being in recovery", but I'm on the route.  It's a crazy-ass jumble of confusion, but it's not the same battle I had before.

I can't honestly say "I'm letting it go" because it's not that easy.  But the battle, today, isn't in my head.  The battle to fight the need to starve, to protect myself, to defend everything inside me isn't pounding me in the head and rejecting what I am trying to do.

But is it really not there or am I ignoring the fight with depression, anorexia, fear, anxiety and keeping it hidden behind a thick cloak of darkness so that I don't have to really truly face it and I'm actually pretending that I am calm.

Is that the "odd" sense I'm feeling?  That really, I'm not calm, I'm not more peaceful, I'm not actually "seeking inner peace" and I'm actually just ignoring what I'm trying so hard to find.

I read a quote today: "Inner peace is impossible without patience. Wisdom requires patience. Spiritual growth implies the mastery of patience. Patience allows the unfolding of destiny to proceed at its own unhurried pace." - (Brian Weiss)

I'm so used to knowing I have no patience, maybe I've settled for hiding behind the impatience of every daunting task my brain throws at me that I've given up the mental fight to try?  
But that's sadness, depression, anxiety.  Have I blocked it all out to cope with the chatter in my brain?
Has my mind been put on hold because it's too much and I'm actually just going through the motions of pretending I am more at peace?


Scary thought because the insanity is numbing. And I don't want it back.


Please, please, please hold on to this.  I'd rather not think than have the insanity return.  I'd rather have this odd feeling accompany me, hold my hand, be my best defense, than go back to the bottom of the pit of my crazy, never-ending loop of chaotic thought.


I am...oddly peaceful.