"I hate your GUTS"

I said that to someone the other day.

I don't think I've ever used that word before.

I taught my kids that "HATE" is such a horrible word to use.
"I despise (whatever) with a passion."
That's what I used to say.

And I told someone "I hate your GUTS!" Just like that.  And I felt it, and it made me feel better and I won't ask for forgiveness for saying it because I actually felt that.

"I hate your guts!"
Someone brought out those feelings in me.
I can't believe that those feelings were in there and I won't take it back.

I don't wish ill against anyone.

I don't hate my exes, I don't hate my parents, I don't hate my brother.

I don't particularly like my daughter's father, but we are getting along.  He's trying so hard to finally give his daughter some space, respect and peace.  He's finally acknowledging her as an independent adult.
I don't ever remember saying I hated him.  It wasn't worth me being evil all these years.

I feel sorry for the boys' dad.  Even after all the evil he has done, and what he did to the boys, I don't hate him.

My "family", they don't exist for me anymore.  And I may have said "I hate" but I don't think I ever actually meant "hate" as passionately as I meant "I hate your GUTS!"

I don't want to take it back.  It took out the anger and pain and disgust I had inside of me and I won't live in anger, I won't constantly remind myself of the hate but I won't take those words back.  At least not out loud.

But I'm shocked at the intensity of those feelings. How powerfully those words spat out.  I HATE.  And it felt good inside my soul to say that.

I don't live my life constantly thinking of evil things to happen to someone. I can't imagine myself purposefully living to wish someone ill.  That's just not the way I think.

But I have mentioned before that I have this sixth sense that makes me "feel" things.
I've seen "karma", "destiny" "comeuppance" at work.  I've seen it work.  I've felt it on things I have done too.

"I hate your GUTS!".

That's all I can say.  I won't ask for forgiveness for having said it. I will pay for having said it if that's what the great wide open decides should happen.  But it allowed me to let go.  To free myself of this pain and anger.  And I really, really felt it.

I am calm, I am not in the spiral of insanity of those thoughts. I have let go.

And whatever I need to pay for, bring it on.  But taking it back...only when I'm ready and only down inside my soul.

I am...free.