"Imagine meeting someone who understood even the dustiest corners of your mixed-up soul."

For the first time in a very long time, I can actually breathe. 
I feel like I am taking in breaths of air and letting them out instead of hold my breath to gather strength for the next insurmountable challenge.

When I wasn't looking, my knight found me. 
He hasn't swooped in with his trusty steed and slayed the dragons, he hasn't beheaded the demons. He has done something better.
He has held my hand. He has ridden next to me as I've been slaying my dragons and am struggling to behead my demons.
He has reminded me I am the dragon slayer.

He has given me courage, strength, faith and Grace.
He hasn't "saved" me. He has had faith in me. In my own strength.

I haven't slayed all my dragons, beheaded all my demons or conquered my weaknesses. But there he is, riding right next to me, holding my hand, and softly whispering in my ear, "you've got this."

I am...breathing.

Trash

Disposable, dispensable, disowned, useless, unworthy, disgusting.

Trash in your way.
Disgusting you.

Scrap off the shit under your feet and keep going.

You are useless.

DISposable, DISpensable, DISgusting

I am my DISorder.

"did I say something wrong to make you feel bad?"

My "depression" isn't about you, it isn't about my eating disorder, it isn't about
"drinking too much", it isn't about not wanting to quit smoking.

My "depression" is about me.

It's about having lived with a woman who hated my guts since before I
knew who I was.  
It's about a sibling who tried to rape me.
It's about having loved the wrong person.
It's about having spent my entire life fucking meaningless, useless
bodies Just Because I Could.
It's about having been alone all my life.

It's about missing my daughter so much, that I can't even hear her
voice without wanting to cry.
It's about loving my teenager so much and being so scared that I'm
failing him.
It's about having a pre-teen who is so concerned about other people,
that he will never ever say what's hurting him.

It's about never ever being THE ONE.

It's about having been attacked, it's having faced the barrel of a gun,
it's about being beaten by men who were supposed to take care of me,
it's about having had to arrest a man who I never, ever thought would
ever hurt me.

it's about wanting to belong, it's about wanting to be loved.
It's about not caring what people think of me, not giving a rat's ass
about whether I'm smart enough, pretty enough, intelligent enough, but
just KNOWING who I am inside.

It's about knowing that I am a good person, that I don't wish anyone
ill-will, that I truly care about people and I cannot trust that
anyone will ever see that.  EVER.  

It's about not wanting to be labeled with depression, anxiety, PTSD, eating disordered, a survivor of domestic abuse, sexual abuse, the adult child of an alcoholic.

It's about all the fucking past that I have kept bottled up inside
until it began to affect the one adult relationship in my life that I
really want to keep.

It's about trying to figure out how I've managed to be able to live my
life not letting these feelings bother me, and now I can't be strong
enough to just let the past go and forget it.

It's about the most difficult four years of my life.

It's about not knowing who I am any more and wanting myself back. 
It's about knowing what I want and not knowing how to get it. 
It's about finally saying, "I can't be what someone else wants me to be."  
It's about finally being able to be me, but not knowing who that is.

It's about wanting to feel...

Empty

I am the good little girl.

I am the one who bottles it in,
who "smiles and waves",
who starves to feel no pain.

I am the good little girl.

Who closes her eyes and pretends this isn't her.
Who closes her eyes and imagines her soul disappearing.

I am the good little girl.

Taught to keep it in, to hide, to pretend.

I am the good little girl.

Don't be Rude Little girl.
Good little girls don't feel.

I am the good little girl.
Don't ever let her go.

Autumn Mist

I remember mornings like this.
Sitting on your balcony with the crisp, clear dawn on the horizon.
The city lights reflecting off the lake.
My legs draped around yours and the glow of our passion still on your skin.

I remember your curls slipping over your face as you nuzzled closer to me to keep me warm.

I remember the cigarette smoke as you exhaled your pleasure.

I remember you.
Your scent, your breath, your profile.
The feel of your skin as my body sank into yours.

I remember mornings like this with you.
So close.
I remember the feeling of your bones.
We shared our bodies, our souls, our existence.
You loved me then.

You promised eternal love.
Always and Forever.

I remember mornings like this with you.

I remember you.
I carry you on my skin.
I have you inside me.
Always and Forever.

Fear

It's scary being me.

Just as I imagine it must be scary being my partner. Neither one of us knows which one of me I'm going to be on any given day.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to google "bipolar" "schizophrenia" & "multiple personalities".

I have never given any thought to possibly being bipolar.
Don't we all have a little bipolarity in us? Don't we all feel really really great sometimes and pretty shitty at other times?

Are the highs and lows so fucking drastic for everyone?

I am amazingly happy today; the sky looks beautiful, morning sex was fabulous and the coffee was fucking orgasmic.
And that feeling of happiness scared the shit out of me.
I see that I am truly imbalanced.

Is this because of my disorder or is my disorder because of this? An egg or a chicken? Would it make any difference?

Why can't I just turn my mind off? Is everyone walking around the planet right now, working really hard at holding on to their reality?
Are some of us mentally stronger than others?

And what happened to me? When did I turn into this person? I've always had ups and downs, sadness and depression, huge problems with anxiety; but I've always held on to my brain. Haven’t I?

I've known my daughter's dad since I was 18 or 19.

Our relationship was tumultuous, abusive, twisted and unhealthy-ok, all my relationships have been unhealthy, I don't think the word "healthy" has ever been paired with "relationship". I think we loved each other once, that’s what he says…we must have.
I called him one day after having spent three or four days unable to sleep, feeling my mind slipping further and further into the vortex of hell.
"Have I always been crazy?"
"What?!"

That was the first time I've ever taken him by surprise.

I think I may have started crying or maybe I already was by the time he answered the phone.  I guess I called him because I thought he'd be someone who "knew me when..."

He's such a wonderful bullshitter he knew exactly what to say.  

Actually, I'm being very unfair; I'm surprised at how well he knows me, how he knew what I was asking him.
How he put into words what I had going on in my head.  I shouldn't be surprised.  

You can't have a relationship with someone for so many years, have a child together, try to mend so many years of anger and hostility and not know each other.

Or maybe you can…I don’t know who I am anymore. 

I can’t figure out when I went from burying all this shit and keeping it hidden through my disorder, to trying to hold on to sanity because all of this shit in my head is finally beginning to come out. 

And what he said to me was maybe the truth?  I’ve been so angry for such a long time now that actually facing that anger is something I can’t deal with.

Maybe having a HEALTHY relationship is something so foreign and so scary, that I want to fuck it up.  That I want to say “Nah, it didn’t work out because I don’t have healthy relationships.”

What I do see is my mind at work.  I see it trying to fuck with me.  I see myself fighting to stifle everything that wants to rear it’s nasty, disgusting head. And that is what causes the insanity.

I see a man who is trying hard to understand, who I actually feel safe and comfortable with, who hasn’t turned to run away from “ME” and I see myself WANTING to destroy that.

I see the anger I have been stuffing inside of me, trying so hard to come out and I see my starvation mode kick in when my feelings need to be checked.  And I see myself weak and useless and needy when I have to eat because somehow, food is related to letting go.  To losing my strength, to facing my brain, my thoughts, and my insanity.

There is a huge gap of me I cannot remember.  I can’t remember between the ages of 9 and 15.  Or maybe 13?  I remember my mother’s dad died when I was 9 and that’s when I remember my mother’s drinking becoming insane, that’s when I remember my brother’s sick, perverted self coming out, and bits and pieces of life.  But I remember always saying “I can’t remember if I was 9 or 15”.

Maybe that was when I lost my mind and I’ve been living without for so long that, now that I need one, it’s having issues coming back to live inside my head.

I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to fuck up this relationship, I don’t want to keep falling back into the bowels of hell, I don’t want this INSANITY anymore.

I love the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, it makes me feel strong and powerful and ready to battle these demons.  “All of us are fighting our demons, some of us just fight them louder than others.”  Can mine please shut the fuck up? 

But they no longer can.  I have to let go of this fear, this anger, this hatred for the damned demons that I keep trying to drown and it’s not working anymore. 

I need to seriously stop holding on to this fear of letting them out because I can’t fight them any longer.  I am not strong enough anymore.  And now that I have a hand to hold on to, maybe this is the time to do it.  In the safety and comfort of my partner’s love, patience and understanding.  I am not alone anymore. 

Don’t fuck this up, don’t let go don’t let THEM win.

I am…hideously insane.

My Desire

I love you. Passionately. Without explanation.
No thought.

You warmed my hands in the cold universe of loneliness, holding on so
tight I knew I wouldn’t fall.

It scares me to think you may one day let go, and I will once again
fall into the void of uncertainty.

I want you to trust in that love.

I have offered you my soul, my body, my being.
For you to keep, to own, to do as you desire.
I want you to remember for all eternity that someone loved you so
much, that their being cannot be separated from you, from who you are.

I gave you everything I have.
I want to belong.
I want to belong to you.
A possession. An object for sex, for bondage, for use, for love, for passion.
Only for you.
My Master
My Man
My Lover

Mine in a way that owns my soul. I don’t have you.
You are not mine, you OWN me, you own my body, my sex, my desire, my love.

I see your beautiful body as you own me, possessing my entire being,
taking me and forcing yourself into me and it makes my love for you so
much stronger.
My weakness at your body makes my body desire you with a fire so
fierce I want you to wrap me into your being.

Make me yours.  Own me. Forever and for always.
I want nothing more than to Belong.
Only to you.

Make me your object of your deepest, darkest need.  Your most naked
desires, the wants inside your body.

Make me your object.
That is my only desire.