Fear

It's scary being me.

Just as I imagine it must be scary being my partner. Neither one of us knows which one of me I'm going to be on any given day.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to google "bipolar" "schizophrenia" & "multiple personalities".

I have never given any thought to possibly being bipolar.
Don't we all have a little bipolarity in us? Don't we all feel really really great sometimes and pretty shitty at other times?

Are the highs and lows so fucking drastic for everyone?

I am amazingly happy today; the sky looks beautiful, morning sex was fabulous and the coffee was fucking orgasmic.
And that feeling of happiness scared the shit out of me.
I see that I am truly imbalanced.

Is this because of my disorder or is my disorder because of this? An egg or a chicken? Would it make any difference?

Why can't I just turn my mind off? Is everyone walking around the planet right now, working really hard at holding on to their reality?
Are some of us mentally stronger than others?

And what happened to me? When did I turn into this person? I've always had ups and downs, sadness and depression, huge problems with anxiety; but I've always held on to my brain. Haven’t I?

I've known my daughter's dad since I was 18 or 19.

Our relationship was tumultuous, abusive, twisted and unhealthy-ok, all my relationships have been unhealthy, I don't think the word "healthy" has ever been paired with "relationship". I think we loved each other once, that’s what he says…we must have.
I called him one day after having spent three or four days unable to sleep, feeling my mind slipping further and further into the vortex of hell.
"Have I always been crazy?"
"What?!"

That was the first time I've ever taken him by surprise.

I think I may have started crying or maybe I already was by the time he answered the phone.  I guess I called him because I thought he'd be someone who "knew me when..."

He's such a wonderful bullshitter he knew exactly what to say.  

Actually, I'm being very unfair; I'm surprised at how well he knows me, how he knew what I was asking him.
How he put into words what I had going on in my head.  I shouldn't be surprised.  

You can't have a relationship with someone for so many years, have a child together, try to mend so many years of anger and hostility and not know each other.

Or maybe you can…I don’t know who I am anymore. 

I can’t figure out when I went from burying all this shit and keeping it hidden through my disorder, to trying to hold on to sanity because all of this shit in my head is finally beginning to come out. 

And what he said to me was maybe the truth?  I’ve been so angry for such a long time now that actually facing that anger is something I can’t deal with.

Maybe having a HEALTHY relationship is something so foreign and so scary, that I want to fuck it up.  That I want to say “Nah, it didn’t work out because I don’t have healthy relationships.”

What I do see is my mind at work.  I see it trying to fuck with me.  I see myself fighting to stifle everything that wants to rear it’s nasty, disgusting head. And that is what causes the insanity.

I see a man who is trying hard to understand, who I actually feel safe and comfortable with, who hasn’t turned to run away from “ME” and I see myself WANTING to destroy that.

I see the anger I have been stuffing inside of me, trying so hard to come out and I see my starvation mode kick in when my feelings need to be checked.  And I see myself weak and useless and needy when I have to eat because somehow, food is related to letting go.  To losing my strength, to facing my brain, my thoughts, and my insanity.

There is a huge gap of me I cannot remember.  I can’t remember between the ages of 9 and 15.  Or maybe 13?  I remember my mother’s dad died when I was 9 and that’s when I remember my mother’s drinking becoming insane, that’s when I remember my brother’s sick, perverted self coming out, and bits and pieces of life.  But I remember always saying “I can’t remember if I was 9 or 15”.

Maybe that was when I lost my mind and I’ve been living without for so long that, now that I need one, it’s having issues coming back to live inside my head.

I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to fuck up this relationship, I don’t want to keep falling back into the bowels of hell, I don’t want this INSANITY anymore.

I love the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, it makes me feel strong and powerful and ready to battle these demons.  “All of us are fighting our demons, some of us just fight them louder than others.”  Can mine please shut the fuck up? 

But they no longer can.  I have to let go of this fear, this anger, this hatred for the damned demons that I keep trying to drown and it’s not working anymore. 

I need to seriously stop holding on to this fear of letting them out because I can’t fight them any longer.  I am not strong enough anymore.  And now that I have a hand to hold on to, maybe this is the time to do it.  In the safety and comfort of my partner’s love, patience and understanding.  I am not alone anymore. 

Don’t fuck this up, don’t let go don’t let THEM win.

I am…hideously insane.