You get what you deserve

I wonder what happened?
I wonder what went wrong when the divine universe decided to spit me out into the great wide open?
Where and when did the glitch happen?

"Remember that you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."Really?  
How much stronger am I supposed to be? 
How much more fucking strength do I need to have? 
And if I'm supposed to be strong enough for this life,  why didn't I get the mind and body to handle this life?

My mind is so weak I am insane. It's an interminable, rusty, squeaky, loop that drags me down and keeps my head under water. And I gasp for air and swallow gallons of nasty, murky, vile muck that fills my nostrils and clogs my lungs an threatens to choke the very existence out of me. 
And when I finally gasp for air, when my mind has finally allowed me to take in gulps of clean, pure, soul-filling breaths, my body starts attacking me.

Constant, never-ending, mind-numbing-incessant physical pain.
Why bother to complain about the pain? Why even mention it if nothing is going to change it?
When it's a "good" day without as much physical pain, a sudden jerk, a wrong move, a bad position and the pain sends shards of agony though your entire disgusting, weak, useless body.

Once upon a time I was told the damage I did from years of starvation did this to me.  Once upon a time I was told the years of being beaten made my body weak.  I accepted it.  I don't care if I did this to myself, but I can't believe I cannot have been given a mind strong enough to deal with this.
Why can't my mind accept that this is the life I was given "GROW UP AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!" but no! always, always going around and around in your fucking puny mind about shit that you hate having to face.

"Why are you so grumpy?"  "Why are you unhappy?"  "Why are in such a MOOD?"  Really, WHY?  WHY THE FUCK?
Because I AM IN PAIN! Mental, physical, spiritual, constant, suicidal PAIN.

And the most beautiful thing I was given on this earth is the only three humans who get it.  Who understand mom's physical pain.  They can read when mom has a day when her body hurts so much, she can't even talk. My 19 year old used to make sure the boys kept the noise level down when I just needed a moment to lie down (or is it lay?  Who the fuck cares?) My 15 year old comes to me still and says "I can feel your energy mom, something is going on inside your mind."  And my sweet, sweet little baby boy "it's ok mom, I can make my own breakfast if your body hurts."
I can still take care of them through the pain, the madness, the insanity, because nothing is going to change.  It's always there.  The insanity, the physical pain, the body that just never stops letting me know how weak it is...it's there.

If I were ever going to write a suicide note, this would be it:  "I am tired of being tired. I am tired of the constant pain, of the incessant fucking mind that never stops hurting, the body that feels like shit all the time, the 'why are you always so grumpy?' from people who will never get it."  The callous nature people use to discuss pain, the 'oh yeah, my body hurts too, but I take pain pills, I'm on disability, I go see a shrink, I just rest, why don't you just TAKE SOMETHING'" 

Because nothing has ever taken away the pain in my body that starts at my jaw and goes all the way down to my ankles.  The pain of a knee that doesn't stop pinching, the jaw that makes your entire brain hurt, why fucking complain constantly?

The mind that just remembers all the horrible, mean, hurtful, hateful, disgusting things you are.  Why keep saying anything?  Just stuff it down, just keep quiet.  And if one day you snap and someone takes offense, Bite your tongue and don't yell out, "DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME?"

That would be my suicide note.  Except, I would never, ever make my children ever believe, that I didn't love them enough to deal with the pain, in order to stay in their lives.

There must have been a glitch somewhere, I must have done something to deserve this, and thank you whoever thought I deserved this, to give me my beautiful amazing angels.