How is there no stopping this madness? How does it make sense to panic at the feeling of food inside me?What compels me to seek its release?
How disgusting and disturbing a habit. This desperate uncontrolable need to throw it up. To release the fear inside me. Throwing up doesn't make me thinner or pretty or better.
It's exhausting, it's scary, it's disgusting... and it feels so go. The release of all the emmotions attached to the food I just ate.
Panic sets in about 15-20 minutes after I eat anything except sunflower seeds or cheese.
I must get rid of it.
It must get out of me. It makes me ill and I go into a spiral of self Loathing and fear. What sense does it make? My strength is my worst enemy and my biggest fear.
A few weeks ago my man, my master, my rock, my comfort and strength held my hand through a panic attack.
He makes the best pasta I've ever had. I don't like pasta. His is epic. I'm so tired of cheese and sunflower seeds.
I want to eat. Food disgusts me. I wish I would put food in my mouth, chew it, swallow it and not go crazy.
I occupied my mind, I was "ok", I felt calm, I did some things with the boys, I lay on the sofa and turned on the tv...and then I went to the bathroom and threw up every single thing I possibly could. I MADE myself get rid of everything in my stomach.
I have to stick my fingers deeper into my throat to throw up. It gets caught in my throat and I'm afraid to die by choking on my own vomit. It is madness. It is scary. I am ashamed of it.
It is so much easier not to eat. That way I won't vomit. I am scared, scared of losing the one healthy male relationship I have ever had in my life. I have never had anyone stand next to me. I've always said "I don't need anyone". And there he is. He has my back. But for how long? How long before someone loves you too much, too little, not enough to stand by you, to hold your hand during your insanity?
I love brushing my teeth with strong minty toothpaste after I throw up, I have to scrub my fingers to get the stench off my hands. I kneel on the bathroom floor with Clorox wipes and I scrub the toilet, the floor, the walls. Just to make sure there is no evidence. I want a cigarette after and I am left weak and sick but so relieved.
The ritual is always the same: stick my fingers deep down my throat, vomit as much as I can, wash the stench off my hands with soap over and over. It's takes a while to get the stench off. Brush your teeth with the strongest mint toothpaste, clean the toilet, the floors, the walls to avoid any evidence. Take two pieces of mint gum and change your clothes just in case & always the need for a cigarette.
I am...disgusted at myself for being insane.
I am...disgusted at myself for being insane.
I ate the clams and pasta he made. 20 minutes later I went into a tailspin of anxiety and panic. I needed his strength. He sat in the bathroom with me while I panicked and desperatly begged to throw up. How insane. How shameful that someone saw me in this state. A state of true insanity. I was so ashamed. And he patiently, lovingly and sweetly dragged me through it. I felt like I was hallucinating, as if I was outside of my body begging him to let me throw up.
When I finally came out through the other side; the only way to describe what I felt, he didn't judge, criticize or complain. He held me. He patiently and lovingly soothed my madness.
Today, I cooked meat and pasta and spinach for my boys. I ate spinich. I chewed it very slowly, I made sure it was dissolved before I swallowed it.
15 minutes later panic set in. I called him, he wasn't answering, I went for a walk and called my daughter. I told her I was walking because I needed to follow the suggestions my therapist had given me.
I finally spoke with my partner. "you panicked because you ate spinach?" I heard in his voice the ridiculousness of that sentence. I'm so afraid of losing him to this madness. I can control everything. Controlling what I eat makes me feel strong, but it isn't. It's my one weaknesses it's uncontrollable.
It was such an incredible release. And it was shameful. It was disgusting. And the emptiness in my stomach felt so relieving.
But, am I ashamed of making myself throwing up or of my weakness at not having been able to control the desperate need to vomit? And I'm using the words to honestly describe a nasty disgusting weakness I have. I MAKE myself V O M I T.
It is so much easier not to eat. That way I won't vomit. I am scared, scared of losing the one healthy male relationship I have ever had in my life. I have never had anyone stand next to me.
I've always said "I don't need anyone". And there he is. He has my back. But for how long? How long before someone loves you too much, too little, not enough to stand by you, to hold your hand during your insanity?
I love brushing my teeth with strong minty toothpaste after I throw up, I have to scrub my fingers to get the stench off my hand. I kneel on the bathroom floor with Clorox wipes and I scrub the toilet, the floor the walls. Just to make sure there is no evidence. I want a cigarette after and I am left weak and sick but so relieved.
the ritual is always the same: stick my fingers deep down my throat, vomit as much as I can, wash the stench off my fingers with soap over and over. It takes while to get the stench off. Brush teeth with the strongest mint toothpaste, clean the toilet, the floors, the walls to avoid any evidence. Take two pieces of mint gum and change clothes just in case & always the need for a cigarette.
I am... ashamed and disgusted at my insanity.
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