what an insanity that rules my entire existence

Help me...
I know my anorexia.
I know my starvation.
This constant, incessant throwing up I don't understand.  This is new.
I know how to control food so that I don't feel I have to empty my stomach.  I'm so disgusted and scared.
I am FED up of cheese and sunflower seeds.  I'm scared of anything else.

My brain would like to bite into that hot dog my son is eating...my brain is screaming at the delicious smell of the rice and lentejas I've just cooked. I WANT FRIED CHICKEN, GRILLED TUNA, SHRIMP, LOBSTER, a fucking peanut butter sandwhich!
And the thought, the taste, the feeling of it in my stomach is too much for me to handle.  
Oh it's so disgusting. Having to stick your fingers deeper and deeper down your throat to vomit out the two slices of toast I just ate.  I've thrown up four times today.  I MADE myself throw up; a 1/2 a cup of rice with lentejas, two slices of toast, a spoonful of Nutella and another attempt at toast.  

It's scary.  It's not making me thinner, oh but the feeling of an empty stomach.  How fucking liberating.  I feel so fat at food inside me. I am disgusted at having lived in countries where people BEG to eat and I fucking choose to THROW UP MY FOOD.

I just want to starve. I want to smoke, I want nothing inside me, I want my POWER.

eating and knowing you can't wait to turn on the shower to muffle the noise, stick your fingers deeper inside your throat, throw up as much as you can and pray not to die choking on your undigested food.  Clean up the toilet, the lid, the sides, the floor, pinesol, glassex, clorox, airfreshener, get the disgusting stench out.  Wash your fingers over and over and over, shower to make sure you don't stick and brush, brush, brush your teeth, your tongue, floss, mint gum and the need for a cigarette, the only part missing.

It's easier to starve, but I'm so hungry sometimes.  I'm tired of cheese and seeds...nothing else works...how will my therapist understand that "write a list of things you can do so you don't go throw up" doesn't work?

I want...
to be THIN
to be IN CONTROL
to be WHAT I WANT TO READ ON THE SCALE
to be
S A N E.

Anorexia is the handcuff that doesn't allow me to move forward.
Being, looking, acting, seeing T H I N isn't going to fix the dreams, the hate, the nightmares, the self loathing.
please stop, please stop, please stop. 
help me please.

I just want to be thin, I want to see my ribs, that's my control...help me please