"Forgive those who have made your Soul Bleed"

Thank you to all my followers who have been emailing me asking me how I've been doing.  I really appreciate your comments and encouragement.  Love ya'll too.:-) Muah!

My title is the new tattoo I got on my ribs.  It covers the entire left side of my body.
It's huge.
I've been wanting to tattoo my ribs because I had heard that it hurts-a lot.

It doesn't.  I was waiting to FEEL something.  To FEEL pain, just to feel alive.  It was disappointing. 

My "eating disorder" has gotten pretty bad.  I put it in quotes because I find "eating disorder" to be such a civilized, hypocritical, pretentious way to say "I am slowly killing myself". I'm at the lowest weight I've ever been in my life, I am sick and I'm struggling to gain some weight.  I have 4 more days to gain 8 more pounds or else I'll be force fed with a feeding tube.
Not very attractive, and I don't have the heels to match a look like that.

I am also struggling with the loss of someone I thought was a dear, close friend.  If you've been following along, you all know I have HUGE trust issues (don't we all).
We are all the same and we all keep this tiny bit of safety-wall/barrier/iron-clad protection up.
So that when we get hurt, we can move on and be that much stronger.

I made the mistake of letting my guard down, letting everything go and for once in my life, actually trusting and letting go.
And the pain of having trusted, and having been WHACKED in the face with the fact that it was all a lie is so painful, I am empty of all feeling.

This is a pain I wish on no one.
I hope and pray to the great wide open that no other human being ever goes through this pain.  Not only is it painful, I feel empty, drained, exhausted.  Contradiction no?

I am cynical about what people say, I don't want to get near anyone, I don't even want to talk, to say anything because whatever I will hear back, I don't trust will ever be true.  No matter what it is.  “How are you?” sounds like a lie!  That's how horrible it feels to have trusted.

And that is why I starve...I guess.  I don't wake up in the morning and say “yeah, I think I'll starve myself today. Slowly kill myself and get so sick, I can't even function.”
That's not the way it works.  It's the feeling of emptiness that somehow empowers you.  The high of starvation keeps you strong...Maybe?

I HATE that people who “know” me always, always bring it up.  It's their reason for everything that is wrong with me.
This is MINE. I own it. I know, I'm aware, I'm struggling to figure out how to make myself better.
I don't want to be hospitalized.  I don't want this on me.  But Fucking hell! STOP bringing it up as an excuse for everything that is “wrong” with me.

That's YOUR issue. Not mine.  I have to figure out how to make myself better.  I have to want to do this, not you and your thoughts and your fear that I will NEED you for anything. Whomever you are.

And I'm filled with anger at having let go, at having really, truly trusted someone in my life.  I'm angry at myself because I should have known better.  I should have kept that barrier up, goddamit, I KNOW better.

And the one person I've stood by and listened to cry and whine and fucking complain and had me on this insane, nauseating, draining, exhausting, fucking roller coaster ride is the one who threw me off the ride at the highest, most dangerous, scariest part of it.  And I should have known BETTER.

Because I've lived with that barrier always.  I've always known to keep it all inside; don't trust, don't say it, don't tell, don't let go...and I did.

Stupid, stupid girl.

And so, this person has made my soul bleed through my own stupidity and denies having lied, omitted or pretended anything, holds themselves in the highest regard and believes they did no wrong.

You should always find laughter in your life and what I find hilarious, is that they "can't find/figure out/don't know/need desperately something but I don't know what- just not this."

Yes, we are rather amused.

I didn't even ask for a thing."No promises, no demands." They sucked every single thing I had, just took and took and took until they no longer needed an inch of my soul and then said “Ok, I wanna play a different game now, but I don't know what, so I'm gonna throw this one off the bridge, into the water and wander around in circles with my thumb in my mouth and whine somewhere else, cause this isn't what I want now-POUT”

And I fell, soaring off the bridge, feeling the wind howling in my ears and smacked my being into the concrete barrier of murky, muddy, blinding water.

Stupid, stupid girl.

So what “else” do you want? It isn't me who is not “enough'. I am so much more than you will ever deserve and nothing in this world compares to UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I'll tell you what “else” you want; other than the mind-numbing need for approval:

A Disneyland parade in their honor, with confetti and a marching band and a “best in show” ribbon, the “Miss America wave”, with rainbows and unicorns and cotton candy and corn dogs, saying "I have arrived, I have IMPRESSED".

I really hope they enjoy the ride. I pray to Divine Universe that they never, ever throw anyone off the rollercoaster, the bridge, the tracks, the parade float. I cannot see it being fair to anyone, to ever have to go through this pain, ever. I don't wish it on my worse enemy.

I will so repeat over and over, it shall be my mantra "forgive those who have made your soul bleed"

Forgive; over and over, may this pain never be passed on, may I learn forgiveness, remember my inner strength and PEACE to whomever I need to forgive.

I AM my disorder