I AM...

How do I put into words the feeling of your skin? I had neatly flowing words swaying in the touch of your breath. I had sweet poetry caressing the pages of my mind. Images of feather tips lightly teasing the skin. And I cannot find the words I need. I cannot explain the calmness of your body next to mine. How do I put onto paper the comfort of you To doze off to the gentle rhythm of knowing there is peace ...for now How do I explain You? Peace, calm, gentle; a soul to soothe the gaping wounds ravaging my brain. This works...for now  

Independence Day

My "best friend"has died.  The man/boy/person/being I have loved for 30 years is dead to me.  How odd.  To have lost someone you were so incredibly close to.  Someone who's soul melted into yours.

I have often compared him to my DISorder; insane, painful, filling me with strength, tearing me apart, not being able to let go and having him in my life for as long as I have been "me".

And I was finally able to let go.  Because the person I loved for almost 30 years doesn't exist anymore. Because he let go of me when it no longer suited what he wanted.  He let go of his promise of "never losing me again".  (Losing? Loosing?  I always get those wrong)

And, as I've compared him to my ED, I'm working on letting that go too.  Fearsome, fearsome...

I've met a man. A wonderful, intelligent, sensible, caring, grounded man. (Did I mention he's rather handsome?)
A MAN who isn't wrapping me in a blanket of confusion and worry and his own fears.

A man who hasn't run away from my ED. 
What a weird, mind-boggling concept..scary.

I was confused and scared and thrown for a loop when I met him.
"What the fuck? A healthy relationship with a man? Really?  Fucking hell, what is this?"

I started smoking more and my ED went completely haywire; more haywirerer than usual which is pretty fucking haywire.  I couldn't wrap my mind around "Relationship-Man-Healthy" DAMN! The fuck do I do now??

And so, little by little I'm throwing out the junk in the freight of crap I carry around with me. Sometimes, I forget who I'm with.  I forget that I can be ME.  That I can throw out one by one, pieces of clothing that I used to wear to make myself invisible; he sees through them. 
And they are ugly and I don't need to disappear. 
I don't need to force myself back into my armor and shove the world away with my 12 foot Samurai sword so that I am always in defense mode.

And now I am in therapy. 
The man who is standing next to me, holding my hand and helping me unpack my freight, has referred me to a therapist who specializes in ED, Anxiety and Depression.  PERFECT!  There must be more of us "insaner-than-the-average-bear" people on this planet if she can make a living by listening to our brains fizzling.

I was so fucking scared to go and see her.  But I strapped on my big-girl boots, stripped off my armor, sucked in my fear and there I went..."FUCK, I'M SACRED!!

About an hour after I left therapy; which had gone so well, I couldn't figure out what was going on. 
I was so angry! I was fucking angry at the world, I couldn't stand any of the people who were walking near me, They were all getting too close, they were coming up behind me, they we getting into my space, it was too loud, too many, too much, OH MY GOD I'M GOING TO GET SUCKED INTO THE VORTEX OF HUMANITY. I hate people, don't touch me, don't come near me, shut up, shut up, shut up!!!

I panicked! I walked and walked and walked until I was far enough away to gasp for air without being sucked into insanity.

What the fuck happened?

Therapy...Therapy happened.

I have to talk.  I have to let all this shit out.  I have to let go.  I have to eat.  I have to be weighed every fucking week. 
I have to throw away my one defense, my only companion, my strength, my force, the ONE thing that has made me "Strong".

And "it" doesn't want to go away. 
"It", me, my DISorder, who I am, what I so love, hate, fight to keep, what is killing me, what I can't ever turn away from, what I want so badly to keep, what pretends to give me control, the one thing I've aways known me to be, is now facing certain death.

And I am scared. 

"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."- Eleanor Roosevelt

"Truth allows you to live with integrity. Everything you do and say shows the world who you really are. Let it be the Truth."

No one is ever really "Honest".

By omitting, compartmentalizing and pretending, we go about our lives pretending we are "Honest".
Allowing only bits and pieces of "honesty" to show.

We never are really, truly "honest' with ourselves, nor with those we hold close to our hearts.
There's always that tiny bit of "truth" that's held back.

Self-preservation?

My eating DISorder is out of control for everyone around me.  Not for me.
I know what I'm doing, don't I?

I am pretending to eat and then I make myself throw up.

I am pretending to eat, but hide the fact that I haven't eaten all day.

I pretend I want to get back into therapy.

I pretend I have it taken care of.

Honest truth?
I don't want to go to therapy, I don't want to "recover", I don't want to "fix it".

I also don't want to get sick again.

I feel so in control when I'm empty.  I feel relaxed, alive, EMPTY.

I love the feeling.

I am honest with myself.
In the same way others are "honest' with just the things they want you to know, all the time omitting, compartmentalizing and  pretending that they are Honest with you, I am honest with myself.

I do not want to take care of this.  I want it to stay right here.
Honest, open, real, true.

I am...Honestly nothing more than my DISorder.

"I hate your GUTS"

I said that to someone the other day.

I don't think I've ever used that word before.

I taught my kids that "HATE" is such a horrible word to use.
"I despise (whatever) with a passion."
That's what I used to say.

And I told someone "I hate your GUTS!" Just like that.  And I felt it, and it made me feel better and I won't ask for forgiveness for saying it because I actually felt that.

"I hate your guts!"
Someone brought out those feelings in me.
I can't believe that those feelings were in there and I won't take it back.

I don't wish ill against anyone.

I don't hate my exes, I don't hate my parents, I don't hate my brother.

I don't particularly like my daughter's father, but we are getting along.  He's trying so hard to finally give his daughter some space, respect and peace.  He's finally acknowledging her as an independent adult.
I don't ever remember saying I hated him.  It wasn't worth me being evil all these years.

I feel sorry for the boys' dad.  Even after all the evil he has done, and what he did to the boys, I don't hate him.

My "family", they don't exist for me anymore.  And I may have said "I hate" but I don't think I ever actually meant "hate" as passionately as I meant "I hate your GUTS!"

I don't want to take it back.  It took out the anger and pain and disgust I had inside of me and I won't live in anger, I won't constantly remind myself of the hate but I won't take those words back.  At least not out loud.

But I'm shocked at the intensity of those feelings. How powerfully those words spat out.  I HATE.  And it felt good inside my soul to say that.

I don't live my life constantly thinking of evil things to happen to someone. I can't imagine myself purposefully living to wish someone ill.  That's just not the way I think.

But I have mentioned before that I have this sixth sense that makes me "feel" things.
I've seen "karma", "destiny" "comeuppance" at work.  I've seen it work.  I've felt it on things I have done too.

"I hate your GUTS!".

That's all I can say.  I won't ask for forgiveness for having said it. I will pay for having said it if that's what the great wide open decides should happen.  But it allowed me to let go.  To free myself of this pain and anger.  And I really, really felt it.

I am calm, I am not in the spiral of insanity of those thoughts. I have let go.

And whatever I need to pay for, bring it on.  But taking it back...only when I'm ready and only down inside my soul.

I am...free.

"The things that stand out are often the oddities."- Pierre Salinger

I woke up at my usual time, 3:35, but with an odd feeling.

I have been meditating a lot.  Trying hard to clear my mind of negative thoughts, anger, sadness, impatience; searching for a way to be strong enough to forgive, to feel myself, to stop my mind from the constant, incessant, petulant-child noises that have been pounding at it for so long.

"Seek inner peace": what I have been saying to myself these past few days. It's on my bathroom mirror, at exactly my eye level, I wrote it on my arm, I remind myself every time negative energy comes into my brain.

"Seek inner peace."
I have an odd feeling of calm.
And I say odd because I don't know if I really am calm, more relaxed, at peace, or if it's something else. Something my mind is trying to tell me.  Because I do believe in listening to those feelings, in having that "huh, I wonder what's going on, I can 'feel' something different" sound in my head.

And since I feel calm, it scares me.  I want to hold on to this strength and not let it drop into the nasty, muddy waters of the cess-pool of my depression.
I want to wrap it in gold, tie it with a bow and lock it into my soul.  I don't want to let it go.  I want to keep it safe and not let it escape me again.

How can I trust this feeling if it scares me to lose it?
How do I hold on to it, keep it safe and have it follow me, if I would rather protect it than use it for myself?

It scares me to lose it.  It scares me to have my soul reject this peace, this calm, this positive strength I feel.  It's almost as if it so much easier for me to fight and accept pain and chaos, that I don't know what to do with an odd sense of calm.

"good old catholic guilt"?  Guilt at not feeling I deserve to finally find peace, to have bits and pieces of me come together and I'm so scared of losing it, it's almost like I'd rather not have it.

But that's not true. I so want to have peace.
To be myself again.
But who am I really?  I've been living this "FUCK-IT-ALL" existence, fighting to defend myself, protecting myself against anything and everything, putting up this barrier to all I see, that now, maybe I am scared of the peace.

Maybe it is in the same way that I'm scared of fighting my ED. Because it's the only weapon I've had, the only thing that has kept me strong and I'm facing the issues straight on, I'm butting heads with it.

I want to hold on to it to because I'm scared I won't know who I am without it.
I'm far, far away from what I consider "being in recovery", but I'm on the route.  It's a crazy-ass jumble of confusion, but it's not the same battle I had before.

I can't honestly say "I'm letting it go" because it's not that easy.  But the battle, today, isn't in my head.  The battle to fight the need to starve, to protect myself, to defend everything inside me isn't pounding me in the head and rejecting what I am trying to do.

But is it really not there or am I ignoring the fight with depression, anorexia, fear, anxiety and keeping it hidden behind a thick cloak of darkness so that I don't have to really truly face it and I'm actually pretending that I am calm.

Is that the "odd" sense I'm feeling?  That really, I'm not calm, I'm not more peaceful, I'm not actually "seeking inner peace" and I'm actually just ignoring what I'm trying so hard to find.

I read a quote today: "Inner peace is impossible without patience. Wisdom requires patience. Spiritual growth implies the mastery of patience. Patience allows the unfolding of destiny to proceed at its own unhurried pace." - (Brian Weiss)

I'm so used to knowing I have no patience, maybe I've settled for hiding behind the impatience of every daunting task my brain throws at me that I've given up the mental fight to try?  
But that's sadness, depression, anxiety.  Have I blocked it all out to cope with the chatter in my brain?
Has my mind been put on hold because it's too much and I'm actually just going through the motions of pretending I am more at peace?


Scary thought because the insanity is numbing. And I don't want it back.


Please, please, please hold on to this.  I'd rather not think than have the insanity return.  I'd rather have this odd feeling accompany me, hold my hand, be my best defense, than go back to the bottom of the pit of my crazy, never-ending loop of chaotic thought.


I am...oddly peaceful.

"Forgive those who have made your Soul Bleed"

Thank you to all my followers who have been emailing me asking me how I've been doing.  I really appreciate your comments and encouragement.  Love ya'll too.:-) Muah!

My title is the new tattoo I got on my ribs.  It covers the entire left side of my body.
It's huge.
I've been wanting to tattoo my ribs because I had heard that it hurts-a lot.

It doesn't.  I was waiting to FEEL something.  To FEEL pain, just to feel alive.  It was disappointing. 

My "eating disorder" has gotten pretty bad.  I put it in quotes because I find "eating disorder" to be such a civilized, hypocritical, pretentious way to say "I am slowly killing myself". I'm at the lowest weight I've ever been in my life, I am sick and I'm struggling to gain some weight.  I have 4 more days to gain 8 more pounds or else I'll be force fed with a feeding tube.
Not very attractive, and I don't have the heels to match a look like that.

I am also struggling with the loss of someone I thought was a dear, close friend.  If you've been following along, you all know I have HUGE trust issues (don't we all).
We are all the same and we all keep this tiny bit of safety-wall/barrier/iron-clad protection up.
So that when we get hurt, we can move on and be that much stronger.

I made the mistake of letting my guard down, letting everything go and for once in my life, actually trusting and letting go.
And the pain of having trusted, and having been WHACKED in the face with the fact that it was all a lie is so painful, I am empty of all feeling.

This is a pain I wish on no one.
I hope and pray to the great wide open that no other human being ever goes through this pain.  Not only is it painful, I feel empty, drained, exhausted.  Contradiction no?

I am cynical about what people say, I don't want to get near anyone, I don't even want to talk, to say anything because whatever I will hear back, I don't trust will ever be true.  No matter what it is.  “How are you?” sounds like a lie!  That's how horrible it feels to have trusted.

And that is why I starve...I guess.  I don't wake up in the morning and say “yeah, I think I'll starve myself today. Slowly kill myself and get so sick, I can't even function.”
That's not the way it works.  It's the feeling of emptiness that somehow empowers you.  The high of starvation keeps you strong...Maybe?

I HATE that people who “know” me always, always bring it up.  It's their reason for everything that is wrong with me.
This is MINE. I own it. I know, I'm aware, I'm struggling to figure out how to make myself better.
I don't want to be hospitalized.  I don't want this on me.  But Fucking hell! STOP bringing it up as an excuse for everything that is “wrong” with me.

That's YOUR issue. Not mine.  I have to figure out how to make myself better.  I have to want to do this, not you and your thoughts and your fear that I will NEED you for anything. Whomever you are.

And I'm filled with anger at having let go, at having really, truly trusted someone in my life.  I'm angry at myself because I should have known better.  I should have kept that barrier up, goddamit, I KNOW better.

And the one person I've stood by and listened to cry and whine and fucking complain and had me on this insane, nauseating, draining, exhausting, fucking roller coaster ride is the one who threw me off the ride at the highest, most dangerous, scariest part of it.  And I should have known BETTER.

Because I've lived with that barrier always.  I've always known to keep it all inside; don't trust, don't say it, don't tell, don't let go...and I did.

Stupid, stupid girl.

And so, this person has made my soul bleed through my own stupidity and denies having lied, omitted or pretended anything, holds themselves in the highest regard and believes they did no wrong.

You should always find laughter in your life and what I find hilarious, is that they "can't find/figure out/don't know/need desperately something but I don't know what- just not this."

Yes, we are rather amused.

I didn't even ask for a thing."No promises, no demands." They sucked every single thing I had, just took and took and took until they no longer needed an inch of my soul and then said “Ok, I wanna play a different game now, but I don't know what, so I'm gonna throw this one off the bridge, into the water and wander around in circles with my thumb in my mouth and whine somewhere else, cause this isn't what I want now-POUT”

And I fell, soaring off the bridge, feeling the wind howling in my ears and smacked my being into the concrete barrier of murky, muddy, blinding water.

Stupid, stupid girl.

So what “else” do you want? It isn't me who is not “enough'. I am so much more than you will ever deserve and nothing in this world compares to UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

I'll tell you what “else” you want; other than the mind-numbing need for approval:

A Disneyland parade in their honor, with confetti and a marching band and a “best in show” ribbon, the “Miss America wave”, with rainbows and unicorns and cotton candy and corn dogs, saying "I have arrived, I have IMPRESSED".

I really hope they enjoy the ride. I pray to Divine Universe that they never, ever throw anyone off the rollercoaster, the bridge, the tracks, the parade float. I cannot see it being fair to anyone, to ever have to go through this pain, ever. I don't wish it on my worse enemy.

I will so repeat over and over, it shall be my mantra "forgive those who have made your soul bleed"

Forgive; over and over, may this pain never be passed on, may I learn forgiveness, remember my inner strength and PEACE to whomever I need to forgive.

I AM my disorder

stopstopstopstop

I AM INSANE.

My mind doesn't stop. It doesn't stop. Ever. Roundandroundandround.

I am insane, I am insane I am insane.  I need my brain to stop!!!! 

S

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I             AM                  INSANE