Fear

It's scary being me.

Just as I imagine it must be scary being my partner. Neither one of us knows which one of me I'm going to be on any given day.
I'm thinking I'm going to have to google "bipolar" "schizophrenia" & "multiple personalities".

I have never given any thought to possibly being bipolar.
Don't we all have a little bipolarity in us? Don't we all feel really really great sometimes and pretty shitty at other times?

Are the highs and lows so fucking drastic for everyone?

I am amazingly happy today; the sky looks beautiful, morning sex was fabulous and the coffee was fucking orgasmic.
And that feeling of happiness scared the shit out of me.
I see that I am truly imbalanced.

Is this because of my disorder or is my disorder because of this? An egg or a chicken? Would it make any difference?

Why can't I just turn my mind off? Is everyone walking around the planet right now, working really hard at holding on to their reality?
Are some of us mentally stronger than others?

And what happened to me? When did I turn into this person? I've always had ups and downs, sadness and depression, huge problems with anxiety; but I've always held on to my brain. Haven’t I?

I've known my daughter's dad since I was 18 or 19.

Our relationship was tumultuous, abusive, twisted and unhealthy-ok, all my relationships have been unhealthy, I don't think the word "healthy" has ever been paired with "relationship". I think we loved each other once, that’s what he says…we must have.
I called him one day after having spent three or four days unable to sleep, feeling my mind slipping further and further into the vortex of hell.
"Have I always been crazy?"
"What?!"

That was the first time I've ever taken him by surprise.

I think I may have started crying or maybe I already was by the time he answered the phone.  I guess I called him because I thought he'd be someone who "knew me when..."

He's such a wonderful bullshitter he knew exactly what to say.  

Actually, I'm being very unfair; I'm surprised at how well he knows me, how he knew what I was asking him.
How he put into words what I had going on in my head.  I shouldn't be surprised.  

You can't have a relationship with someone for so many years, have a child together, try to mend so many years of anger and hostility and not know each other.

Or maybe you can…I don’t know who I am anymore. 

I can’t figure out when I went from burying all this shit and keeping it hidden through my disorder, to trying to hold on to sanity because all of this shit in my head is finally beginning to come out. 

And what he said to me was maybe the truth?  I’ve been so angry for such a long time now that actually facing that anger is something I can’t deal with.

Maybe having a HEALTHY relationship is something so foreign and so scary, that I want to fuck it up.  That I want to say “Nah, it didn’t work out because I don’t have healthy relationships.”

What I do see is my mind at work.  I see it trying to fuck with me.  I see myself fighting to stifle everything that wants to rear it’s nasty, disgusting head. And that is what causes the insanity.

I see a man who is trying hard to understand, who I actually feel safe and comfortable with, who hasn’t turned to run away from “ME” and I see myself WANTING to destroy that.

I see the anger I have been stuffing inside of me, trying so hard to come out and I see my starvation mode kick in when my feelings need to be checked.  And I see myself weak and useless and needy when I have to eat because somehow, food is related to letting go.  To losing my strength, to facing my brain, my thoughts, and my insanity.

There is a huge gap of me I cannot remember.  I can’t remember between the ages of 9 and 15.  Or maybe 13?  I remember my mother’s dad died when I was 9 and that’s when I remember my mother’s drinking becoming insane, that’s when I remember my brother’s sick, perverted self coming out, and bits and pieces of life.  But I remember always saying “I can’t remember if I was 9 or 15”.

Maybe that was when I lost my mind and I’ve been living without for so long that, now that I need one, it’s having issues coming back to live inside my head.

I don’t want to fuck this up. I don’t want to fuck up this relationship, I don’t want to keep falling back into the bowels of hell, I don’t want this INSANITY anymore.

I love the feeling of emptiness in the pit of my stomach, it makes me feel strong and powerful and ready to battle these demons.  “All of us are fighting our demons, some of us just fight them louder than others.”  Can mine please shut the fuck up? 

But they no longer can.  I have to let go of this fear, this anger, this hatred for the damned demons that I keep trying to drown and it’s not working anymore. 

I need to seriously stop holding on to this fear of letting them out because I can’t fight them any longer.  I am not strong enough anymore.  And now that I have a hand to hold on to, maybe this is the time to do it.  In the safety and comfort of my partner’s love, patience and understanding.  I am not alone anymore. 

Don’t fuck this up, don’t let go don’t let THEM win.

I am…hideously insane.

My Desire

I love you. Passionately. Without explanation.
No thought.

You warmed my hands in the cold universe of loneliness, holding on so
tight I knew I wouldn’t fall.

It scares me to think you may one day let go, and I will once again
fall into the void of uncertainty.

I want you to trust in that love.

I have offered you my soul, my body, my being.
For you to keep, to own, to do as you desire.
I want you to remember for all eternity that someone loved you so
much, that their being cannot be separated from you, from who you are.

I gave you everything I have.
I want to belong.
I want to belong to you.
A possession. An object for sex, for bondage, for use, for love, for passion.
Only for you.
My Master
My Man
My Lover

Mine in a way that owns my soul. I don’t have you.
You are not mine, you OWN me, you own my body, my sex, my desire, my love.

I see your beautiful body as you own me, possessing my entire being,
taking me and forcing yourself into me and it makes my love for you so
much stronger.
My weakness at your body makes my body desire you with a fire so
fierce I want you to wrap me into your being.

Make me yours.  Own me. Forever and for always.
I want nothing more than to Belong.
Only to you.

Make me your object of your deepest, darkest need.  Your most naked
desires, the wants inside your body.

Make me your object.
That is my only desire.

You get what you deserve

I wonder what happened?
I wonder what went wrong when the divine universe decided to spit me out into the great wide open?
Where and when did the glitch happen?

"Remember that you were given this life because you are strong enough to live it."Really?  
How much stronger am I supposed to be? 
How much more fucking strength do I need to have? 
And if I'm supposed to be strong enough for this life,  why didn't I get the mind and body to handle this life?

My mind is so weak I am insane. It's an interminable, rusty, squeaky, loop that drags me down and keeps my head under water. And I gasp for air and swallow gallons of nasty, murky, vile muck that fills my nostrils and clogs my lungs an threatens to choke the very existence out of me. 
And when I finally gasp for air, when my mind has finally allowed me to take in gulps of clean, pure, soul-filling breaths, my body starts attacking me.

Constant, never-ending, mind-numbing-incessant physical pain.
Why bother to complain about the pain? Why even mention it if nothing is going to change it?
When it's a "good" day without as much physical pain, a sudden jerk, a wrong move, a bad position and the pain sends shards of agony though your entire disgusting, weak, useless body.

Once upon a time I was told the damage I did from years of starvation did this to me.  Once upon a time I was told the years of being beaten made my body weak.  I accepted it.  I don't care if I did this to myself, but I can't believe I cannot have been given a mind strong enough to deal with this.
Why can't my mind accept that this is the life I was given "GROW UP AND FUCKING DEAL WITH IT!" but no! always, always going around and around in your fucking puny mind about shit that you hate having to face.

"Why are you so grumpy?"  "Why are you unhappy?"  "Why are in such a MOOD?"  Really, WHY?  WHY THE FUCK?
Because I AM IN PAIN! Mental, physical, spiritual, constant, suicidal PAIN.

And the most beautiful thing I was given on this earth is the only three humans who get it.  Who understand mom's physical pain.  They can read when mom has a day when her body hurts so much, she can't even talk. My 19 year old used to make sure the boys kept the noise level down when I just needed a moment to lie down (or is it lay?  Who the fuck cares?) My 15 year old comes to me still and says "I can feel your energy mom, something is going on inside your mind."  And my sweet, sweet little baby boy "it's ok mom, I can make my own breakfast if your body hurts."
I can still take care of them through the pain, the madness, the insanity, because nothing is going to change.  It's always there.  The insanity, the physical pain, the body that just never stops letting me know how weak it is...it's there.

If I were ever going to write a suicide note, this would be it:  "I am tired of being tired. I am tired of the constant pain, of the incessant fucking mind that never stops hurting, the body that feels like shit all the time, the 'why are you always so grumpy?' from people who will never get it."  The callous nature people use to discuss pain, the 'oh yeah, my body hurts too, but I take pain pills, I'm on disability, I go see a shrink, I just rest, why don't you just TAKE SOMETHING'" 

Because nothing has ever taken away the pain in my body that starts at my jaw and goes all the way down to my ankles.  The pain of a knee that doesn't stop pinching, the jaw that makes your entire brain hurt, why fucking complain constantly?

The mind that just remembers all the horrible, mean, hurtful, hateful, disgusting things you are.  Why keep saying anything?  Just stuff it down, just keep quiet.  And if one day you snap and someone takes offense, Bite your tongue and don't yell out, "DO YOU FUCKING KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO BE ME?"

That would be my suicide note.  Except, I would never, ever make my children ever believe, that I didn't love them enough to deal with the pain, in order to stay in their lives.

There must have been a glitch somewhere, I must have done something to deserve this, and thank you whoever thought I deserved this, to give me my beautiful amazing angels.

It belongs to me

I discovered Somethng about my ED. Or maybe it's Somethng I already knew and I just tuned in to it. I know why my disorder has been so out of control. Because I was letting out emotions. I was sharing my feelings with my partner, And that felt so strange, so out of control. And when I stuff my emotions inside me, when I don't share how I feel, when I keep my guard up, my ED is "under control", because I starve myself, and I control my feelings, my food intake, my emotions.  My anorexia is my strength, my bouts of purging is my weakness...

Omissions are Betrayals...

Omissions are lies...they are deceitful betrayals. Whether or not a question was asked and given an answer, when you withhold information from someone else purposely, that is a betrayal...and by default...a lie.

A few days ago my best friend and I were talking about our ED...

We know how to be good little girls, stuff all our emotions inside, be polite and pretend to give a fuck and no body would ever know the difference, because we are "good little girls."

But we really aren't, since we stuff and hide all those emotions inside, we starve, we are little whores who fucked around way too many times and no one would ever know everything inside us. Ahhh, yes, but we are the EMOTIONALLY unstable ones.  Because you don't know why we are who we are, because we keep it bottled up inside.  We keep in control of the emotions we can't let out by starving ourselves.  She and I, we know each other really well. Really, really well.

And we talked about Omissions.

Betrayals...

We can look into someone's eyes and KNOW they are LYING, by OMITTING HONESTY.
WHY THE FUCK?  Why are you such a DISHONEST PERSON that you have to LIE.  
And she and I both agree, (of course, we agree on most everything!)

The guy I'm "seeing"...he and his Best Friend, one of his exes, have the same type of friendship a lot of us have, I'll talk to you, you'll talk to me, if you annoy me, I'll take a break, and so it goes.

My best friend and I talk every day. Both my best friends and I, talk or text every day.  So, the guy I'm "seeing" says to me "No she and I aren't talking because A WHILE AGO she said something and I didn't want to hear it so, you know, I haven't spoken to her in A WHILE."

So, last night I find out, that's a LIE, an OMISSION, a NOT TRUTH.  And to be honest, I could give a fucking rat's furry behind who, when and what he talks to.  I DO NOT CARE.  I do not expect anything from anyone, I do not demand anything from anyone and I DO NOT TRUST.
Problem is I trusted.

And I found out, straight from his "best friend's" mouth 
"Oh yeah, creepy Bill, yeah, I texted him and told him, Yeah I heard you went to this polyamory thing and hit on (Insert name of guy I'm currently fucking)'s girlfriend". And she knew great detail about something that concerned me that she would only know if, yup, that's right, HAD THE OMISSION NOT BEEN TOLD TO ME!  

FUCK ME IN THE ASS!  Something she could not have known if HE had REALLY, REALLY NOT OMITTED THE FACT THAT HE AND SHE WERE ACTUALLY TALKING.

WHY THE FUCK OMIT THAT?

And then, comments come aout about things that there is no way she could have known unless HE ACTUALLY TOLD HER! Vacation, dogs, kids, parents, little things that come up in conversations between friends that are part of life that you share with your friends, which is completely normal, that;s why you're friends but on the other hand why OMIT to the person you're currently fucking? unless the person you are currently fucking isn't worth a fucking DAMNED FUCK because your "best friend" is way more important.  Huh, lookie lookie, 

So my question to my girlfriend, the one who knows how to be a "good little girl", is WHY THE FUCK OMIT THAT?  Why are you Pretending you aren't sharing every single thing in your life with someone else?  What's the bug fucking deal?  What's the big deal??????

So, if you omit that, what else are you omitting???  TAN TAN TAN!!!

My point to her, which she completely got, of course, wasn't the fact that there is a friendship, big fucking deal, we both know our 'relationship" and I too have male friends, close, intimate male friends with whom I share things, that's not the point, the point is: He keeps saying "don't ever lie to me because I don't want to feel betrayed", R E A L L Y??
Maybe because you KNOW you're omitting information and therefore are concerned that someone else would omit information from you?
You don't think an Omission is the same as a lie?  Especially when you go out of your way to say "OH WE HAVEN'T SPOKEN IN THIS MUCH TIME" and it turns out that facts about my life are being discussed to such and extent that third parties are being discussed and you want to OMIT that fact?

I don't OMIT anything, as a matter of fact, I was Fucking stupid enough to tell things I didn't have to tell him just because I never wanted him to think I was ever Hiding anything.

And what was really fucking ADORABLE was that it alllllllll came out last night, in the conversation, no big deal, but IT ENDED UP COMING OUT.  Cute little conversations between two friends who; one I trusted because he told me "Oh, she was giving me bullshit SO I HAVEN"T SPOKEN TO HER IN A WHILE" and It was a LIE.  

And like my ED friend and I discuss, we keep it all bottled up inside and put on your good little girl faces and smile and talk and you will never, ever know that I just heard you say something that wasn't exactly THE TRUTH...

Why do you fucking have to lie?  Haven't I given you everything inside my fucking soul and you LIE?  

Because an OMISSION is a LIE...
No matter how you color it, paint it, sell it, or disguise it.


The problem with "TRUST" is that once you find out things aren't exactly what you've been told, it's really, really hard to look in someone's eyes and BELIEVE.

what an insanity that rules my entire existence

Help me...
I know my anorexia.
I know my starvation.
This constant, incessant throwing up I don't understand.  This is new.
I know how to control food so that I don't feel I have to empty my stomach.  I'm so disgusted and scared.
I am FED up of cheese and sunflower seeds.  I'm scared of anything else.

My brain would like to bite into that hot dog my son is eating...my brain is screaming at the delicious smell of the rice and lentejas I've just cooked. I WANT FRIED CHICKEN, GRILLED TUNA, SHRIMP, LOBSTER, a fucking peanut butter sandwhich!
And the thought, the taste, the feeling of it in my stomach is too much for me to handle.  
Oh it's so disgusting. Having to stick your fingers deeper and deeper down your throat to vomit out the two slices of toast I just ate.  I've thrown up four times today.  I MADE myself throw up; a 1/2 a cup of rice with lentejas, two slices of toast, a spoonful of Nutella and another attempt at toast.  

It's scary.  It's not making me thinner, oh but the feeling of an empty stomach.  How fucking liberating.  I feel so fat at food inside me. I am disgusted at having lived in countries where people BEG to eat and I fucking choose to THROW UP MY FOOD.

I just want to starve. I want to smoke, I want nothing inside me, I want my POWER.

eating and knowing you can't wait to turn on the shower to muffle the noise, stick your fingers deeper inside your throat, throw up as much as you can and pray not to die choking on your undigested food.  Clean up the toilet, the lid, the sides, the floor, pinesol, glassex, clorox, airfreshener, get the disgusting stench out.  Wash your fingers over and over and over, shower to make sure you don't stick and brush, brush, brush your teeth, your tongue, floss, mint gum and the need for a cigarette, the only part missing.

It's easier to starve, but I'm so hungry sometimes.  I'm tired of cheese and seeds...nothing else works...how will my therapist understand that "write a list of things you can do so you don't go throw up" doesn't work?

I want...
to be THIN
to be IN CONTROL
to be WHAT I WANT TO READ ON THE SCALE
to be
S A N E.

Anorexia is the handcuff that doesn't allow me to move forward.
Being, looking, acting, seeing T H I N isn't going to fix the dreams, the hate, the nightmares, the self loathing.
please stop, please stop, please stop. 
help me please.

I just want to be thin, I want to see my ribs, that's my control...help me please

I have loved...

In countless lifetimes, in many ways, in soul and spirit and skin.
I have searched for honesty without omission, without asking for anything in return.
I have loved you deeply, in soul and spirit and skin.
I have needed to be loved, despite knowing it's impossibility.
I have felt the soul ripped from my being,
Shards of sharp, searing glass deep inside my existence.
I have felt your presence, your comfort and your strength.
I have sought to find an all encompassing love knowing that my wounds will forever carry that deep, unhealing scar.
Emptiness fills me with hate. And yet I love so many. And can feel nothing but numbness in return. I have loved you more than I wanted, I have been scared by the force of this love and I ache to feel its comfort.