So, I've read through my blog, corrected some typos and tried to remember what I felt when I wrote many of my posts. I can see how I was spiraling out of control. I see my DISorderS at work.
It's been a long time since I've felt like me. Slowly and cautiously I feel myself coming back. I can look in the mirror and see who I am. I don't like being "medicated for a chemical imbalance" (screw that! I'm insane!), but for now, I have to do this. I feel like I'm walking around in slow motion, but it's me in slow motion. Not some person pretending to be me, sinking deeper and deeper into despair, going through the motions, just trying to make it through the day.
I am cautiously optimistic. Most of the time, I feel pretty good and the sadness I am working through doesn't seem so hopeless. Talking to a therapist helps me see what I've been bottling in and how to cope with letting all of that out. Imagine that, me, feeling better after talking to a therapist. Whoda thunk?
Unfortunately, I have to work on eating. I have to work on figuring out what I can actually put in my mouth and chew. I've lost too much weight and of course, I had to lose it in all the wrong places! Now I have to work on not using that as my control. Gotta let go of the control.
I'm thinking, live in the moment, take baby steps and do one thing at a time... just need to hurry up and eat so I can hurry up and start running again so I can hurry up and start healing that part of me again. Except, there's no hurry to start running again, but, there is a hurry to start eating again.
When I walked out of the hospital I said I would never, ever go back in there again, because I was strong enough to work these things out without falling back down the ravine. Falling back down there means not facing my eating disorder. And it isn't enough to just face it. It's something that needs to be tackled, worked on and healed.
Baby steps, living in the moment, taking care of me.
One Step At A Time.
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