For you, my princess

You'll be home for thanksgiving in three days! I can't wait to see you. I miss you so much. I'm excited to hear your beautiful voice filling the house with song. I can't wait to hug you and smell your delicious perfume.
You look so grown up in the last picture you sent me. Stunningly beautiful.

I'm scared.

I'm scared you're going to see that I am still not recovered, that I am still struggling.
I can't stand to see you worry.

I don’t want you to know that I am still not eating.  That food makes me sick.  That I can’t see anything worth the effort to eat, that I don’t want to eat. I don’t want you to see me avoid anything that has to do with food. I don’t want you to think that I want to be skin and bones.

You know I don’t start the day off saying “Today I’m going to starve.” I am trying really hard, and I’m trying for you and your brothers.
This is a part of me. It is an unhealthy, insane need to control one thing; me. You’re worth my recovery and the struggle I go through every moment of every single day.

But I’m not there yet.  I am not recovered.  I’m not brave enough to let go, because I’m scared.  I don’t know who I will be without it.

I am doing more than just “making the effort”. But I can’t make it better before you get here. I can’t make it disappear and pretend it isn’t here just for you.  Because you will see right through me.  You will look at me and know I’m lying.  And that will make you sad, because I can’t lie to you.  

So, I’m working on it, I’m trying to recover, I’m struggling, I’m scared, I’m worried, but I am open and honest and not hiding from you.  I know you will understand that my recovery lies in honesty.

I love you.