"Thou hast no figures nor no fantasies Which busy care draws in the brains of men; Therefore thou sleep’st so sound."*

I think people go insane because they don't sleep.

If you could just switch off your mind, turn your brain off and just make it stop looping around and around, you could get some rest and relax and refresh yourself for the next day.

It isn’t the eating disorder, the OCD, the anxiety, the depression, the countless other reasons one is insane that actually cause insanity.  It’s the lack of rest.

I want to switch off my brain.  Sink into nothingness and blank out thoughts.

I am mentally exhausted.   I’m  not depressed.  To be honest, I think that since leaving the hospital, I can’t really put a description on my feelings.

I was looking forward to some rest. I thought a little bit of pampering and attention and comfort would be exactly what I needed.  Apparently I was wrong. I was mistaken and I didn’t even know it.  Thank the powers that be that I was corrected and saw the error in my mistaken judgment that some love and attention would make me feel better.

At one point, I felt like myself.  Myself in slow motion but still Me.  For a while now, I haven’t been depressed, just…nothing.

“How are you?” has become difficult to answer.  The only one who could read through the standard “Fine. Feeling so much better.” was my daughter.

My therapist can’t seem to see through it.  Discussions of life, love and choices are always followed by “How does that make you feel?”
“Ummm….I donno. I guess if I knew how stuff made me feel, I wouldn’t be sitting here in front of you.”

Sure, it’s good to have someone to talk to.  But the only one who seems happy to actually know what’s going on, the one who actually understands, is the one person my therapist doesn’t recommend I be so open with.

Funny, my daughter’s counselor told her the same thing.  “You and your mother shouldn’t be worrying each other with these things.”

So she texted me to rant about how her counselor didn’t understand our relationship.  Then she called me and we talked for hours and we both felt so much better because, while neither of us can fix the other one, we both felt so much better that we were honest with each other about our feelings.  Because we weren’t walking around on eggshells, trying to protect the other one from our true feelings and masking what was going on in our lives.

True, neither one of us can fix the other, but our relationship is no longer based on trying to fix each other. It’s based on honesty, truth and a deep-rooted, inexplicable knowing of the other’s true self.

“So, how are you feeling today?”
“Eh.”



* Shakespeare- Julius Cesar