What sort of title do I use for all of this?

What a crazy, insane way to end a marriage.

I feel a sense of relief at FINALLY being divorced but I am so very sad for my boys.

It’s no secret that my teenager wanted to live with his father and that my youngest wanted to live wherever his brother went.  While that made me very sad, I know how much the boys love each other and how much my teenager idolizes his father.  I was sad, but prepared for the possibility of losing custody of my boys and only having them visit me as the judge saw fit.

True to his character, their father proved to be wildly unstable, flung all sorts of accusations at my attorney and I and the judge saw right through him.

Their dad walked out of the courthouse as soon as the guardian ad litem gave his recommendation and before the judge could even finish his decision; "the mother shall continue to have sole legal custody but should not move further than a 50 mile radius from this county." (In a nutshell)

We are supposed to communicate anything that has to do with the boys between us and not put a 14 year old between us as a pawn.

By the time I got home, about 15 minutes from the courthouse, their dad had already texted my teenager and said “The judge made his decision, your mom has custody, I’m leaving the country.”

This beautiful, loving, confused 14 year old was so angry with me.  It was all my fault.  He couldn’t go and live with his hero because of me. 

Bite my tongue until it bleeds, but there was no way I was going to tell him that his father showed himself to be so out of touch with reality, so vindictive and so uncaring that the judge could not find him stable enough to have sole custody of his boys. The boys he professed to love so much.

“Do you think he is a good father?” one of the questions asked of me by the guardian… “He loves his boys, I don’t believe he would ever do anything to hurt them, but I can’t say that he is a good father. I can’t answer that question.”

“You have told your boys that you are accusing their mother of all of these wild and unbelievable claims and yet you believe you aren’t showing them animosity towards their mother?” question asked of him by the guardian.

I am so grateful for the guardian whose only concern was the well-being of these two precious boys and not the wants of two “adults” who have essentially, been using them as pawns.  

There are two sides to every story, I of course, believe that I did the best thing I could for my boys, by being frank and honest with them; “I don’t hate your father, I don’t want to be his enemy, I just don’t want to be married to him anymore. I want you to live with me, but if you want to live with your father, there really is nothing for me to do but let the courts decide.”

But I let him take control and allowed my teenager to be the one who came and went with decisions over visitation and never put my foot down as to what his father could and couldn’t say regarding the trial.  I should have put a stop to it.  I don’t believe it would have made a difference, because in his eyes, his father can do no wrong. But I should have made an effort to stop it.

“Come and get your things right now.”  I drove my boys to his house, and before they even got out of the car, their dad was putting their things, already in trash bags, at the door of his house.  Their house, the house they so looked forward to going to every time they wanted to see their father. 

The silence on the drive back home was palpable.  My youngest was crying because he wasn’t going to see his father any more and my teenager couldn’t even speak.  I think it was a mixture of anger, hatred, sadness, impotence and complete and utter disappointment. 

But then, he spoke to me.  He had the same sweet, loving voice that he only uses when he is not angry with me, when he calls me “Mommy” instead of “Mom!”

Their sister called from college, spoke with them each individually, made them both laugh and things seemed to calm down.

“I know you are angry with me, and sad and hurt, I’m not going to say anything unless you have questions that I can answer for you,  but you know where I am if you need me.”, that’s all I could tell this young man. 

And he came with me to my room, lay down on my bed, stared at the ceiling and made a few jokes about how crappy he felt.  And I got a hug!  A “big-boy-struggling-to-understand-and-show-that-he-didn’t-hate-me-as-much-as-he-thought-he-did” hug!

Little tiny 11 year old hugs too! Yummy, delicious “I love you so much mommy” hugs!

I love these children so much.  They fill my soul.

For me, I wish their father would leave the country, would just disappear; but what about them?  What do they do with these feelings of abandonment and betrayal? 

For them, I hope he’s just angry and doesn’t really leave.

It’s not about us, it’s not about him, it is about these precious, young, beautiful boys who are stuck in the middle of two stupid adults who cannot think past their own selfish, ignorant and useless wants.

Please Divine Universe, give me the strength as the adult that these children need to hold their hand and guide them through this most difficult time.

(Thank you to every single one of you who helped me through this; to all of you who dropped everything in your lives to hold my hand; to you who just listened to me vent; to you who drove two hours to "just be there for me"; to you who lost your loved one recently and still came to court to be bombarded with questions; to you who gave me the hugs I needed and to every single one of you who said "You got this".   I cannot even begin to express what it means to know that we are loved this much. I love you all)