when the number doesn't match the mirror

98lbs when I left the hospital.  I had to beg, plead and cajole the staff and doctors that I knew and was aware of my disorder and I was getting help.  I lost a lot of weight in a very short period of time and so, of course, it's in all the wrong places.  Everything I had worked out to build was now useless and nowhere near where I wanted it to be. 

I weigh less now than when I got pregnant with my first child. All during the three pregnancies I was the poster child for maternity; eat everything organic, healthy, unprocessed, no caffeine of ANY kind, no smoking, not even being near anyone who smoked and I was in the best shape ever.  Talking to other ED moms, that seems to be the one and only time we eating-disorderities seem to be able to take care of our bodies, if only for the child we are carrying. Exactly 12 months and one day after delivery, I was back to 110lbs. SUCCESS!


But that wasn't the point of this story.  Point is, I want to look the weight the scale says I am.  I don't want to be above 105, but I want to look thin. I don't care how many times I've been told how small and tiny I look, I DON'T.  I want to see small in the mirror.

And Tim Ferris and Scott Sonnon send inspirational tweets my way about life, body and mind being all one healthy whole unit and I get on the treadmill and work out with my iddy biddy 10lb kettle bell and I still don't look THIN. 

Because it's in the fuel I'm supposed to put in my body; proteins: eggs, meat, fish, seafood...stuff I used to enjoy-if only restricted, but edible. Veggies; spinach, kale, sweet potato, avocado...gross now.
Bean sprouts, empty of all caloric and muscle building value are my new best friend.

I can't figure out if it's the texture of these other foods or the "fat-factor" in these other foods that make them "bad" foods.


But my disordered mind tells me "Stay below 105".  Why? I'm happy here. I feel a sense of triumph and control at this weight. Hey, I had a piece of meat, not a serving mind you, but a piece of meat and was still able to stay below the weight I so love. talk about disordered! I wonder if the number is involved in the OCD? 

This morning I ran and did my kettlebell routine, and scrambled an egg (part of Tim's plan). Logan was very happy to have had scrambled egg for breakfast.  He was in doggie heaven. 


I wonder if building muscle and staying at this weight will be a cure for this obsession?
I am so happy here,  I like it as far as the scale goes, now let me see it in the mirror. 

Scale + Mirror = Perfection!