“Insanity is often the logic of an accurate mind overtaxed.” Oliver Wendell Holmes

Abraham Lincoln, Ernest Hemingway, Dave Matthews, William Styron, Emily Dickinson, Vincent Van Gogh Chopin, Schumann, Dante, DA VINCI. Sylvia Plath, John Nash, Nicola Tesla, Balzac, Isaac Newton, Winston Churchill, Eugene O'Neill, Tchaikovsky.

All this time, I was actually a genius.  

Depression, anxiety, an eating disorder, OCD, insomnia, seasonal affective disorder; I am a genius!  

Google “Mental illness and genius”. There are 1,930,000 results. Google “depression genius”. There are 15,800,000 results.

Studies on mental illness and genius have been done by Stanford University, Psychiatric Times, NAMI, Psychology Today; like Google says “There are 15,800,000 results.” You can’t argue with Google…  

So really, I am a genius.  Seriously, if I can’t find the humor in this situation, what else is left?  Out of the sixteen mental illnesses specified on the NAMI website (National Alliance on Mental Illness), I have been “officially” diagnosed with six of them.   

Math and I broke up in the 80s and it’s been a tense relationship ever since, but even with the little bit of math I can muster, 6 out of sixteen ranks pretty high up there in the insano-meter.

I hate labels. I hate being clumped into a neat little group of this or that. But really, if I weren’t labeled “depressed” and/or “suicidal”, I wouldn’t have gotten the help I needed to try to get out of this cess-pool of thought.  

I don’t think my diagnosis is mental, I think it’s more situational.  But doesn’t that mean I’m denying the fact that maybe I am actually insane?  Who the hell wants to admit to being actually and in fact diagnosed as INSANE?  Well, I wasn’t diagnosed “insane”, I was diagnosed with the above mentioned diagnosises, or is it diagnosii, dignosiss…gotta look that one up.

I can say that I am considered part of a long list of geniuses who have all coped with a mental illness of some sort.  Various degrees of mental illness seem to intensify the genius so, since I’m not “that crazy”, I might only be slightly genius.

Don’t think I’m making fun of anyone’s mental illness.  Living with a mental illness is no fun, imagine living with 6.  Not only is it difficult to function, it is difficult to find the strength to admit it, it is scary, it affects those around you, it is a constant battle to keep from sinking back into it and it is difficult and expensive to treat.  Saddest thing is that some people who love you can’t find the strength to help you and end up leaving you to deal with it alone.  Their loss, not yours; but sad nonetheless. 

Tell anyone “I was hospitalized in a psych-ward for five days.”  Look at their reaction. They can’t figure out if they should ask questions or turn around very, very slowly and just walk away.  Kind of the same reaction as sitting down to eat with someone and saying “I have an eating disorder.”  

NAMI has this “Stigmabusters-Fight Stigma Alert” section on their website.  “NAMI StigmaBusters is a group of dedicated advocates across the country and around the world who seek to fight the inaccurate, hurtful representations of mental illness. Whether these images are found in TV, film, print, or other media, StigmBusters speak out and challenge stereotypes in an effort to educate society about the reality of mental illness and the courageous struggles faced by consumers and families every day. StigmaBusters' goal is to break down the barriers of ignorance, prejudice, or unfair discrimination by promoting education, understanding, and respect”

I don’t feel I need to “break down the barriers of ignorance” yada, yada.  

I can see myself fighting and breaking down barriers for other people’s efforts; AIDS awareness, LGBT rights, Homelessness, Domestic Violence, etc, but when it comes to something I’m actually facing, I don’t see the need to educate, advocate or become an activist.  I guess living with it seems to be enough of an education to others.  “See?  This is what a person with an eating disorder/depression/anxiety/OCD looks like”. Why would I want to shove it in someone’s face or get offended when someone jokes about insanity or depression?  I’m not insane; I am the best example of how to live with what has been given to me.  

I battle my insignificant little demons every moment of every day and I am so much more than my disgnosisis, (I really need to look that word up).

I am…Gabriela