10/28/2011

I have always knocked therapy. How do you compress 47 years into 45 minutes? I must not have been in the right place for it.

Here in “behavioral health services” we have group therapy a couple of times a day and individual therapy. While it took me a while to open up in group therapy, individual therapy was surprisingly easy for me. To finally open up and say everything that I have been bottling up inside of me was eye opening was .

One of the many things I was able to admit to is just how sad I was about my decisions about children. My choice to have given up a child, to not have had any more children, the disappointment of not being able to have any more and the deep, deep sadness at not having done this on my own from the beginning.

Being able to talk with someone and say “Had I had the chance to think things through I would have kept my child.” is liberating. Being able to talk about my disappointment at why I never just went ahead and had children on my own and why I didn't wait a few years after my last one before having tied my tubes was freeing.

I could have had them alone, I mean, fucking hell, I picked two of the biggest assholes on the planet to have three of the most beautiful children on earth. I have been raising them alone all these years. Their fathers are narrow-minded, egotistical, controlling and manipulative and my kids are nothing like that. They are strong willed, independent and compassionate. And they learned that from me. I have been their role model. I could have done it alone, like I was, but without those two useless bodies next to me bringing me down, controlling me and tearing down my self-worth.

I could still have more children. Science has made it possible for women to have a first child at 62!!

Right now, I have to work on myself again. On remembering my strength, on asking for help if I need it and focusing on the three angels I actually have been blessed with. I haven't given up on the thought of having another child, but right now, in this moment, I have to focus on myself and what I have. But it felt good to let it out, to have cleansed my soul of this pain and sadness and to work on living in this moment. It felt good to talk about yet another thing that I've been bottling up inside of me.

I am...healing.