Inside myself, looking into what I think, what I believe and who I know I am, I hear the voice of cynicism. I hear the voice of what I can only call disappointment.
I am disappointed at the truths i face every day, although I can still trudge on, carrying them with me, not allowing them to bare me down but very aware of their constant and heavy load.
I don't believe there is any worth in what I've given of myself, because in this thick vat of pudding I trudge through, I can feel it try to suck me in.
But aren't we all trudging along together? Don't we all have truths that make us realize that we are disillusioned and disappointed in ourselves?
I am aware that my truth is that, what I have done, who I have loved and the way in which I have lived my life has meant nothing.
The only thing I can hold on to is the love that I give and receive from my children. That is not in question. They are my entire life. There is nothing that makes me doubt them. I am proud of how I have raised them. Even with my feelings of worhlessness, I can see who I am in them, without my disillusions, disappointments and cynicism.
I see their strength, their fierce independence and the strong and unwavering values and beliefs they never let go of.
I taught them that. They learned that from me. They learned to stand up for what they believe in no matter if it means they must stand alone.
I did that.
And yet, what has that brought me? What has my fierce independence, my stubbornness, my love for others brought me?
I have never wavered in my beliefs. I have been who I am always, even when others have wanted to beat my stubborness out of me, I have still held on to it.
And it has meant nothing. To no one. For no one.
It is all worthless. I am replaceable by anyone who can become what I think I am.
I have nothing left to give. I can shield myself from the disillusionment I carry, not let it beat the stubbornness out of me, remember who I am but I will never forget that I mean nothing to no one.
I am...my own defense.
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