and so...now?

I am stuck…

I am stuck trying to figure out how to get this all out of my head and onto paper.

Seems like everything before this was desperately seeking to get out and it came so easily and quickly and flowed so well and now, I’m stuck.

I have gotten so far down and so deep into my thoughts, stuff I’ve stifled so far deep down inside, that I can’t seem to make sense of them enough to let them out.

They all seem to be jumbled together, fighting with each other for attention and space on paper. I know what thoughts they are…I can hear them, I recognize them and I hear what they’re saying, I just can’t seem to organize them and have them make sense.  

My thoughts now are like my DISorder…I fight it, I hold on to it, I try to ignore it and only when I let it out, when I make it stop, when I throw up whatever is making me feel out of control, only then do I feel I have actually exhaled.  And my thoughts are all racing to the top, scratching and clawing at each other to be the first ones out, not caring how they look or sound or how they will end up. And that doesn’t help me feel any better about having let them out.

So I start one thought, and write it out, and follow that with whatever random thought comes after it, but they don’t seem to bring any sort of peace.  I wonder if it’s because they are scarier than anything else I’ve been able to say…

Random thoughts of madness, insanity and DISorder, all jumbled and scary and uselessly chaotic.