And so we meet on craigslist too.

My daughter was home from college this past weekend. Her “other” family spent two days with us.  Her father seems to be trying to atone for his past sins and I finally feel that maybe, just maybe, I might be able to believe that he isn’t trying to take advantage of me. 

It’s hard to think that way.

I have yet to meet one single person who I have not given birth to, who’s not looking to one up me, who’s not looking for an angle in what I share with them or who won’t decide they can’t hack whatever it is I’ve got to offer.

I can say that I am guarded but not threatened by her father anymore.  It’s empowering.  Up until right before she left for college, I was still afraid of him. 

Now, I’m casually civil, not intimidated and oh-so-very secure.

So we had this little conversation about religion.  He and I were brought up catholic and he still is.  Regardless of whatever he wants to be in her life right now, he’s still very narrow-minded, opinionated and still trying to dominate his daughter. 

I don’t believe in what was forced upon me in catholic school.  I didn’t believe it then and I don’t now.  Back then, I had no other choice but to follow along, now, I don’t have to. 

In our little conversation, when we started our discussion, I could feel our daughter take a huge breath in and I could see her tense up.  She got up to do the dishes. Her father and I actually discussed issues without an argument, without raising our voices and without insulting each other.  I, of course, was right (joke!)

Later that evening my daughter said to me that she was really surprised that we actually discussed our own opinions without an argument.  And that she was really nervous at first but then realized that we weren’t the same people we used to be. 

One of her observations about me was that I am “so quick to submiss when you don't feel challenged, but there is a defiance in you that wants to test how far you can push someone, only when they're pushing back. Ergo, when you are met with resistance, you resist. When met with accord, you concede”

These are her exact words, I had her write them down for me because she said exactly who I am.   

I love this child.

And that’s exactly how I feel. I always, because of my experiences, feel I have to push, I have to defend myself, I have to look out for whatever is going to come my way.  The other shoe is ALWAYS going to drop and it will hit me on the head if I’m not ready to move out of the way.

And here’s the perfect example; I’m selling something on craigslist for $150.  I get an email from “john” (his ‘real’ craigslist name) “Is this item still for sale?” Me: “yes”  and his response:

 “Alright,I am buying this for my Cousin,I would have love to come over
to your place and see it myself but my running of day to day business
activities will not give me chance to do that and i will love to see
pics, I will offer you $250 including shipping and i will be paying
you through PayPal so kindly get back to me with your PayPal email or
send me money request so that i can make the payment as soon as
possible to your PayPal account and you need to get back to me as soon
as possible and i want the item to be shipped out as soon as possible
because it is very urgent.”

And there it is…another fucking idiot trying to figure out a way to get the better of me just to see if they can.  Not because he/she knows who I am and says “AH! That’s Gabriela, let’s roll with this one and see if we can fool her.” 

No, just because this person, male or female, decided they’d see who they could fuck over.  And it just so happens he/she got me on a day when I am in no mood to have yet another asshole try to figure out a way to take me for a ride.

I hate it when someone thinks I don’t know what they’re doing.  Not because I think they can get the better of me, but because it’s exhausting keeping your guard up all the time. 

But, I’d rather be exhausted from keeping my guard up, than have my soul stripped to nothingness because I wasn’t looking at where the iron shoe would fall.

Armor on, chin up, back straight, shoulders back.  

And never, ever let your ground down.  Even for a second.