9:11

I can’t deal with the images of 9/11. I quickly change the channel whenever it’s mentioned on TV. I don’t want to look at pictures of the New York Skyline with the Twin Towers making such a bold statement. I don’t want to say that I’ve been there and looked down upon that most beautiful city and was in awe at what I saw.

I want to close my eyes whenever I drive by the Pentagon and pretend it isn’t there.

I get spooked when I look at a digital clock and the time happens to be 9:11.

I don’t know how to deal with that pain.

I can see you do that with me.  I can see that you want to hide from my DISorder.  You want to look at me and see only beauty and forget about the pain and hurt that is who I am. You want to close your eyes and pretend it isn’t there. I Am My Disorder.   

And when you look at me you get spooked by what you see, because you can’t deal with that pain.

It isn’t going to go away.  The New York Skyline will never be the same.  One day I will have to look at those pictures of the Twin Towers and admit that it was real, that it did happen, that I must face that it’s true. It isn’t enough to just close my eyes.

I’m not going to be enough. I’m not going to be who you want me to be. You won’t ever be able to face your truths about what you wish I were and stop pretending that if you close your eyes, you’ll see what you wish you wanted.

Because you and I, we’re exactly the same.  If I pretend that it never happened, it will not have happened.  If you pretend that you want to hold on, then you can pretend I am who you see.  But when we open our eyes, neither one of us sees what we want.  We see what it really is. And neither one of us knows how to deal with what we see.

It’s not enough to pretend. It is really, truly, there.  The pain, the hurt, the agony of that loss is always going to be there.  Are you willing to open your eyes with me?

I Am My Disorder.

(RIP all of those beautiful lives that were lost on September 11, 2001, and strength and peace to all those who lost loved ones)