Strength

It's scary to think that I was in such a horrible place that ending my life seemed like the only way out.

How does your life spin so horribly out of control?

I've finally dragged myself out of the muck and have forced myself to do what I know: be strong, face the world and grab it by the balls until it screams for mercy. And I did it on my own.

I am grateful to all my loved ones who held my hand during this period, a period the likes of which I have never experienced.

But in the end, I am alone. And I've always been alone.  And I know how to do that. I can face this crap head on, butt it with my stubbornness and see it crumple around me.

Thank you great wide open for showing me that my angels are always there. For those unexpected phone calls with that melodious voice on the other end filled with love and beauty.
Thank you for those "I love you mommy" that made me stronger. 
Thank you for the joy of three angels who have given me strength.

My DISorder has a grip on me that is too powerful to struggle with. I need it with me to give me the strength I have once again found. I must make it happy and let it run freely. Because it is Me. Everything else I can fight and I can beat. I don't want to fight this part of me. So I must let it run rampant, I must coddle it and spoil it and give it free reign.  I need it in order to face the world.

I Am My Disorder.