“It only works if you work it", "let go and let God", "Admit to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs".. Bull shit. No one is ever truly that open and honest.
So what the fuck if I don't want to "work it". It takes up too much energy to fight against it. It's the one thing that's such a part of who I am that it requires no thinking. It makes me feel powerful and in control and it makes me happy to feel that empty, growl in the pit of my stomach. It's been a part of me since before I was "me". Only one other thing has been with me that long and that isn't in my control.
So maybe this is why i don't want to give it up? Nothing in my life is under my control. Coming to the realization that I no longer am who I thought I was, maybe I need this to cling on to? I am nobody's daughter and no one's little sister and no body's love and no longer a "mommy". I am my "disorder". The only "order" I have. Someone else in my life feels that the only thing right in their life is the only thing they know they don't want. My life mirrors that: The only thing in my life that makes me feel in order is labeled a "disorder."
I hate food. I hate eating, I hate how it tastes, I hate how it smells, I hate cooking it, I hate eating it. "Oh, well, why don't you just increase the foods little by little" (thank you 12-step program bull shit) Actually, I'm down to even less "things I can stand". And that makes me HAPPY!!!!
And it makes me feel empowered and strong and sexy and beautiful, just like the one thing that has been with me all these years. Both of them together make me feel good about who I think I am. They both give me strength and joy and oh so wonderful excitement! And the both of them are the things I'm supposed to give up, one because it's making me ill and one because I'm not enough...
I am nothing without my "disorder". I don't want to give it up. I just want to hide it from those around me and make them all shut their fucking mouths. Fuck EDA, Fuck 12-step, Fuck food.
So what the fuck if I don't want to "work it". It takes up too much energy to fight against it. It's the one thing that's such a part of who I am that it requires no thinking. It makes me feel powerful and in control and it makes me happy to feel that empty, growl in the pit of my stomach. It's been a part of me since before I was "me". Only one other thing has been with me that long and that isn't in my control.
So maybe this is why i don't want to give it up? Nothing in my life is under my control. Coming to the realization that I no longer am who I thought I was, maybe I need this to cling on to? I am nobody's daughter and no one's little sister and no body's love and no longer a "mommy". I am my "disorder". The only "order" I have. Someone else in my life feels that the only thing right in their life is the only thing they know they don't want. My life mirrors that: The only thing in my life that makes me feel in order is labeled a "disorder."
I hate food. I hate eating, I hate how it tastes, I hate how it smells, I hate cooking it, I hate eating it. "Oh, well, why don't you just increase the foods little by little" (thank you 12-step program bull shit) Actually, I'm down to even less "things I can stand". And that makes me HAPPY!!!!
And it makes me feel empowered and strong and sexy and beautiful, just like the one thing that has been with me all these years. Both of them together make me feel good about who I think I am. They both give me strength and joy and oh so wonderful excitement! And the both of them are the things I'm supposed to give up, one because it's making me ill and one because I'm not enough...
I am nothing without my "disorder". I don't want to give it up. I just want to hide it from those around me and make them all shut their fucking mouths. Fuck EDA, Fuck 12-step, Fuck food.
I'm kinda at the same status, i mean... i love/hate food, more hate than i can love it 'cause it's killing me how it makes me feel, i feel disgusted every time i swallowed, but still i can't help it. Why? 'Cause i'm not strong enough, not good enough, no one at all.
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Histerical