“It’s not about the weight/scale/food/looks”

Does there really need to be a reason for what it’s about?
EDA says: “In EDA, we try to focus on the solution, not the problem. Solutions have to do with recognizing life choices and making them responsibly. EDA endorses sound nutrition and discourages any form of rigidity around food.”

Therapy tries to dig deep down into the nasty, dark, murky waters of your being to find the reasons so you can deal with those reasons.

UMM states on their website: “… these disorders appear to result from many factors, including cultural and family pressures and emotional and personality disorders. Genetics and biologic factors may also play a role.”

“Personality disorders”…My personality is just fine, thank you! I am just as insane as the rest of the world.

It used to be about the weight. At least I think that’s how it started. A million years ago. I discovered how quickly I could lose weight if I just stopped eating.

Looking back at pictures of when I was in high school I see a beautiful, innocent, oh-so-very-dumb kid.  But I was thin! Not skinny, Thin! I didn’t see that then.

I taught my friends in boarding school that if we hid in the bathrooms when we were called for meals, we’d be able to skip that meal and see how long we could go without eating. Never being one to excel at much, I won! I could go the longest without eating! Damn I was good!

I have done it all. Spoonfuls of vinegar on an empty stomach, hot sauce with everything (which I still do, because I really do like hot sauce when I eat.), toast and water, the “just cabbage/just potato/just soup” diet, coffee and cigarettes, Phen-fen, Adipex, Slimfast, Atkins (Insert appropriate registered trademarks here), the “abusive husband” diet…

That was the most intense diet. 110lbs and he’d latch on to my insecurities and yell “you’re so fucking fat!”. He knew exactly what to throw at me, in every sense of the word.

“Stop eating” “you’re always going to be a fat pig”, “you will never be thin”, “look at how thin She is”.  And I tried so hard to be thinner. I knew I could be thinner.  Because I had the power not to eat.  It was in my control. I could do it for longer than he “wanted”. And that pissed him off. Because I was supposed to not eat when he wanted and eat whenever he thought I was “thin enough”.  I allowed myself to be treated that way.  Because it was in MY control. Wasn’t it?

It’s not about the weight. It’s not about the scale. It’s not about how the world sees you. It’s about control, and power, and strength. 

Or is that what I’m telling myself to continue this game?