A whole new world.

In a few weeks, I will be in one of my favorite places on the other side of the continent.

I love the West Coast; some places more than others.  This particular city holds a sweet, special meaning for me; it’s the home of my most favoritest soccer team.

I’m making plans for a huge move.  I still have not decided if this will be “HOME.  The place where I’ll set our new roots and if this is the place to where we’ll plan our trip and drive cross country in a few months, hopefully before winter has truly set in.

I need to get out of this hell hole before another horrid, long, dark winter gets here.

I’m taking my tribe to a whole new place, to start new and fresh and leave this much despised city behind. I have the strength and the faith I need to take on this challenge.  

Why can’t I take on the challenge of my DISorder?

Whenever I face it, or try to face it, I feel everything else spiral out of control. 

I feel as if the grip I have on everything else loosens and falls into the abyss of nothingness.   

If I ignore it, if I don’t think about it, if I just let it be, I can manage this move, this challenge, this fear, this life.

My stomach hurts at the thought of facing it. I can feel the knot in my stomach and the almonds I just ate are threatening to make their way back up.

How is it that even the thought of wiping this part of me away, can fill me with such fear?

I can uproot my life and the lives of three others and do so with complete faith that this is the right choice and that it will all fall into place.

And yet my DISorder rears it’s nasty little head and I’m paralyzed to continue living…

I Am My Disorder.