Can I let go now?

It's almost autumn.

A few nights ago, when I sat on my deck at 1am and saw the leaves of the bushes around me with just the light of an amazing harvest moon I was wearing shorts and a teeshirt.
Tonight, I'm wearing an old brown long sleeve teeshirt, a sweatshirt a couple of sizes too big and a pair of baggy long pants with upside down muppets all over it. I'm still shivering.

I can look up and see the vastness of a clear sky, lit by the leftover glow of the moon.

I can't sleep...again.

With the last drag of the end of my cigarette, I wonder what it would be like to die.

Would my soul soar up into that immense sky and look down at myself slumped on my purple chair and say, "Damn, what shitty clothes she decided to wear tonight!"?

I wonder if I would still be cold?

Would I be able to look through the window and see my beautiful boys, peacefully asleep in their beds, and be able to kiss their soft, comforting cheeks and whisper "I love you" in their ear?

Can I carry my weightlessness to where my daughter is now playing her guitar and filling the night with the miracle of her voice?
Would she hear me whisper "I love you forever" in the strum of her guitar?

Would my babies know that they could trust the whisper they heard, of my soul in their presence and just know that my love would always be with them?

I want to be weightless and feel nothing but quiet, peaceful silence.
I want the jumbled mess of my mind to just let me find the calm. 

I wonder what it would be like to die. 

Would it stop the rattling of my brain that can't seem to find the edges of sanity? 

Soaring over the universe and looking down on three peaceful souls, would it be enough to shut out the noises that keep me awake and pummel my existence with constant chatter?

Can I just empty this torture into the universe and let go?

I wonder what it would be like to die and let go of three angels who wouldn't be able to survive on just a whisper of "I love you."