A taste of me

I love the taste of toothpaste in my mouth. Minty, strong, burn-your-tongue toothpaste. Not that wussy, colored, soft-gel-type toothpaste.  I like the kind that makes you have to drink some water after brushing your teeth because it’s drained the saliva from your mouth.

I love the taste of hot, spicy, minty gum. Not some bubble-gummy, little girl, pink, sweet, sticky stuff.  I like the kind that clears your sinuses and makes your eyes water. 

I brush my teeth a hundred times a day.  I like to run my tongue over my front teeth and taste the minty flavor. I brush my teeth when I wake up in the middle of the night. I brush my teeth before I open my eyes in the morning.  I brush my teeth constantly.  “Mom, you always have a toothbrush in your mouth!” And I usually like a piece of hot, minty gum right after I brush my teeth.

You would think I have perfect teeth. I don’t.  My front teeth look fine; you wouldn’t even know that one was made 'special' for me. My back teeth are pretty bad. I’m missing teeth and have so many fillings; I have more mercury in my mouth than should be allowed.

Years of throwing up.  Sounds disgusting.  Which is why the pretty word used in mixed company is “purge”. No body wants to say “I make myself throw up.”  It’s disgusting.  It took me a long time to say that: “I Make Myself Throw Up”.  The first time I ever said that out loud was to the one person I was scared of losing. I didn’t want to hear myself say it.

“I Make Myself Throw Up.” Funny thing about eating disorders, everyone expects you to fit into these pretty little sets of ORDERly catergories. ORDERly diagnosis says if you Make Yourself Throw Up, then you must obviously Binge, which means you eat excessive amounts of food. I make myself throw up if I eat a whole sandwich.  I make myself throw up if I eat a cup of rice. So I’d rather not eat. Because I don’t want to make myself throw up.  I’ve trained myself to know exactly what and how much I need to eat, to take the edge off the hunger and not scare myself into making myself throw up.  I am not aNOrexic. Because I do eat, I just don’t want to. Because I don’t want to make myself throw up.

I love the taste of minty toothpaste. It rids the mouth of the taste of the food you’ve just eaten to take the edge off the hunger that makes you feel so strong.